Hello there everyone! Especially you, you are my special favourite. I am writing this blog under a very wonderful mood spell of no sleep, too much caffeine & being annoyed by the bus trip home i just had and being pre-annoyed at all the future ones that are still left for me to experience until i die. I guess you could call it crazy sad, not to be confused with that Kirsten Dunst movie Crazy Beautiful in which something happened and I can’t remember, obviously it deeply impacted me not to be confused with Deep Impact which was crazy beautiful. Speaking of Kirsten Dunst, she is in an upcoming movie where she plays the wife of Viggo Mortensen, he of hilarious name and intimidating face.  GREAT SEGUE! The best way to insert a segue seamlessly is to shout how great the segue was, just a little tip for you 'writers'.

Anyway, I wanted to bring up the relationship between K-Duns and V-Mort (Voldemort) because i am getting a bit tired of seeing movies where the featured couple is an older actor with a young actress. Obviously i would prefer to see the couple be an actress with another actress, but if that isn't a possibility i would like SOME movies to have couples of similar ages. Of course if the age difference is a major plot point in the movie (and not just slyly referenced), that's fine as i would never deny a filmmaker the right to explore his own sexual and personal fantasies not that i'm speaking about anyone in particular Woody Allen. And of course relationships like that happen in real life, and i have no problem with them for i would never deign to label myself Judge Judy or Judging Amy or any other excellent people who get to Judge for a living.  However, movies are generally meant to be about regular people (who look like celebrities), and in regular marriages amongst us normals, the age difference average is about two years & huge age gaps are quite rare.  In regards to the movie with Lord Voldemort and Torrance, i actually don't know if it is a plot point in the movie but if it isn't my opinion can be summed up by this photo of 30 year old Kirsten and a 54 year old lesbian:

Ellen looks terrible

The most recent movie that has tickled my angry bone (new saying i'm trying out, i think it will catch on) is The Silver Linings Playbook. In this David O. Russell jaunt, the romance is between 38 year old B-Rad Cooper and 22 year old Jennifer Lawrence (sister of Joey Lawrence, not really but that would be great).  Here Lawrence is playing a character from a novel that is at least a decade older than her.  PLEASE do not get me wrong, i think she is wonderful and apparently she fought hard to get the role (just like Katniss fights hard for hunger), but are there really no 30ish year old actresses in the all of Hollywood and beyond that would do the job?  Also, is there any chance that when Jennifer Lawrence is in her thirties she will be starring alongside actors 15 years younger than her? No. Is there a chance she might not get any roles? Yes. Is there a chance she will not be acting any more because she'll be too busy looking after the children we're having together? Of course not, stupid.

LOOK HOW YOUNG I AM I'M WEARING A MIGHTY DUCKS? JERSEY!!
ALSO WTF IS THAT PICTURE OVER THERE

If that age-difference isn't enough for you dirty birds, there is an upcoming movie called 'The Third Person'. Not much is known about it, however what IS known is that Liam Neeson and Olivia Wilde play a romantic couple.  I love that scene in Taken when Neeson says "What i do have a very particular set of skills; skills i have acquired over a very long career....BECAUSE I AM SIXTY YEARS OLD" or something similar to that. On the other hand Olivia Wilde is 28.  She's younger than me, and that is truly the part i find the most disgusting.  

Sure Grandpa, i'll tie your shoe

Then you have 'Seeking a Friend for the End of the World' starring Steve Carell (50) and Keira Knightley (27), but at least the Carell character and perhaps Carell the person have the good sense to be  a bit weirded out by it.  And after all, Carell has played the romantic lead opposite Tina Fey (42) and Juliette Binoche (48) so he really deserves a chance to play alongside someone beautiful instead of those hideous old witches.

Ugh

Disgusting 

Of course there are plenty of other examples i can think of in movies where this sort of thing takes place, but almost none in the reverse where an older actress is with a young actor and it isn't a plot point and news headlines aren't screaming the word cougar at me twenty-four hours a day until i literally rip my own ears off and throw them at my local newsagent.  Besides the constant older man/younger woman thing there are also plenty of examples where actresses are cast as the MOTHERS of actors even if the actress is younger or of similar age.  In the movie 'Riding in Cars with Boys, Drew Barrymore (37) plays the mother of Adam Garcia (39).  

"Yo Mama so old she could be played by a stunning young Drew Barrymore" SICK BURN

This is an issue not just because obviously it's so dumb that young women are cast in roles they are just not old enough to be playing, but also that actresses who ARE an appropriate age to play the role aren't considered.  Actresses play romantic leads for men of any age until they hit their mid-to-late twenties and then they switch to playing the mothers of those same actors. Any other role is played by Judy Dench or Meryl Streep (who can play anything so it's really fine i take it all back).  I imagine that if Basic Instinct was remade now, the two female leads would be played by Emma Stone and Jennifer Lawrence and Michael Douglas' part would be played by Michael Douglas. 

So i guess to sum up, all i really want is an overhaul of the entertainment and movie making industries where sometimes romantic relationships are between two beautiful people of the same age, where women are given great roles no matter their age, where older actresses can be seen to be sexy like similar-aged male counterparts, and basically for equality between men and women in all areas in all industries around the world. 

So just get on that, okay thanks. I'LL BE CHECKING ON YOU.

Loo-per No Ones Request

Last week I saw the movie Looper! I am just like an earring-less Margaret Pomeranz who is the best, except mostly I am just like David because he and I are both cranky people and we both hold hatred in our cranky hearts for shaky cam. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST PLEASE PUT THE CAMERA DOWN SO I DON’T VOMIT IN THE TOILETS AT THE INDOOROOPILLY EVENT CINEMAS DURING CLOVERFIELD TOO LATE THAT HAPPENED IN 2008. Anyway, I kind of wish I hated Looper so I could have shouted, “ugh that movie was a real looper scooper!!!” hahahah you know like ‘pooper scooper’? hahaha all the funniest jokes are the ones you need to explain in writing.  But no I didn’t hate it; I thought it was good so thanks a lot moviemaker for ruining my awesome joke.  Before you ask, yes I was highly disturbed by some parts. It is gory, but no that didn’t bother me at all because I’ve seen a lot of episodes of Embarrassing Bodies.  A lot of other people were a bit disturbed by the face prosthetics used to make Jo-Go look more like Bru-Will but not me because well i suppose i don't give a looper scooper.  In my opinion all the focus should strictly be on the weird colour and shape of Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s lips in the diner scene. Granted the scene isn't that long but it really disturbed me mainly because my lips have never been that colour and i'm not sure how to approach the Myer makeup counter and ask the scary lady in the lab coat how to get my lips looking like that. But really the movie should have been called LIPPER, am I right? No. Besides that, let me be blunt. PLEASE. Emily Blunt is in it, and gorgeous. So let me be her. All in all you should probably watch it. You don't have to, i'm not your mother! but i AM you from the future and i just want to apologise now for what i'm going to put your body through.

Fun staring comp

You could be fooled into thinking this blog is some sort of movie review thing where I review a movie, but you are wrong!  Looper got me thinking about other combinations of people that could have played young and old versions of each other or whatever the correct combination of words you would put there for that to make sense. Therefore this blog is basically just an excuse for me to put those thinkings (what I call them) onto this white shiny (Microsoft word document).

MAYA RUDOLPH AND ALIA SHAWWWWMEOWKAT

I can’t even make any jokes here! I love the people above in underlined! They are hilarious and they do great things! I even watch Up All Night even though it isn’t that great and now Will Arnett is really skinny and tanned on it and I’m suspicious of that because he and Amy have just split up and in case you were wondering I’m on Team Amy not that there are any teams (but team Amy for life).  What I’m saying is that Maya Rudolph is in Up All Night so I watch it.  And OBVIOUSLY you have all seen Arrested Development so you know how great Alia is.  If you haven’t seen it, what the what?? Stop looking at these words and off you toddle immediately you dum dum! Did you like how condescending I was, I am practicing to fit in with the rest of the internet! HEY IN OTHER NEWS HAVE YOU NOTICED HOW MUCH THOSE TWO PEOPLE I PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED LOOK ALIKE THEY COULD PLAY SISTERS OR EVEN A PERSON WHO HAS COME BACK IN TIME OR SOME SHIT AND ESCAPED THE BLUNDERBUSS OR WHATNOT?

Which is which?

Are you SHAW? KAT?

p.s if you combine their names you get 'Maya Kat' which is a dead on impression of my impression of a stereotypical Spaghetti Italian Mama saying 'my cat' this p.s is just for your records/my biography

TAYLOR SWIFT AND HEATHER LOCKLEAR

If you know me (which each and every one of you do deep in your heart), you know I don’t actually have any Taylor Swift music on my iPod but for some reason I have a compulsion to defend her to anyone and everyone.  But seriously she writes her own songs which is unusual and they are catchy country pop tunes I think she is really talented!!!!!!!!!!  Heather Locklear on the other hand writes none of her own songs and her songs are neither catchy nor pop songs nor songs nor do I think she’s tried to sing nor do I recall seeing her do anything since Melrose Place 1999.  In fact, I don’t really know what’s going on with HL these days besides I think she is mainly known for driving erratically and calling 911? Wait! I just went to educate myself on the Locklear and I’ve learnt she is meant to be in Scary Movie FIVE in 2013 so that is encouraging because it’s sure to be an instant classic and i can't believe i have to wait until next year! It is immediately going on my list of 'events i hope i don't die before' under the final episodes of Breaking Bad and i guess some family shit.  Anyway on the very small chance that is a dud, HL should be reassured that one day she can come back from the past/future/Narnia/Hogwarts whatever and sit at a table with Taylor Swift and do whatever happens in that movie except with the added storyline of their past/future selves WRITING THEIR OWN MUSIC AND BEING YOUNG AND LOOKING LIKE A BABY DEER/HEATHER LOCKLEAR/HEATHER LOCKDEER AND JUST LEAVE TAYLOR ALONE OKAY.

They are never ever getting back together except in a time travel movie playing the same person

DONALD TRUMP AND THIS MOP

One day I assume Donald Trump will pay to have someone make a cool movie starring him, and the casting agents will search as hard to find his Looper lookalike as Mitt Romney looking for a qualified woman to work for him.  They will go through every single actor and then every single person in the world before realising the best solution is this mop.  This mop will win everyone over on set, because it is a real down to earth mop actor who knows what it is like to do some hard labour, and it will even learn the names of the set cleaners.  Donald will fight against this mop being in the movie, but audience test screenings will prove that the mop is more likeable than Donald Trump and so it will not only be in the movie, but will be a scene stealer. Then it will be nominated for an Oscar and go on to win that Oscar where it will do a hilarious ‘pretending to clean the Oscar statue’ bit that will go down in history as the best joke ever at an Academy Awards, even bigger than when Crash won Best Picture.  

likeable and also cleans

unlikeable.
Do you need to MOP up your tears? BURN NOTICE DONALD

BLAKE LIVELY AND SIENNA MILLER

I have no idea if these two look similar or how old they are because they both give me that facial recognition disorder where it doesn’t matter how many times I see them in a movie or in a picture I literally will never recognise them if I see them again. It has happened hundreds of times.  So i am not putting their pictures here and they should just play each other or anyone or whatever just bring Emily Blunt back.

LOOPER REVIEW: 5 BLOG STARS FOR MY OWN BLOG