tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23607216467977366272024-03-13T12:27:20.545+10:00A blog thingBrocklesnitchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15946800767753953754noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2360721646797736627.post-53061314672664876842013-10-04T21:44:00.003+10:002013-10-04T21:45:24.728+10:00I have finally become a real proper grown-up person, and i have moved to a beautiful new place. All the posts have been moved as well. Come check it out!<br />
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<a href="https://brocklesnitch.squarespace.com/">https://brocklesnitch.squarespace.com/</a></div>
Brocklesnitchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15946800767753953754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2360721646797736627.post-31016610432847917002013-09-09T14:03:00.000+10:002013-09-09T14:07:08.343+10:00What a dayBob Day is a vampire and likely new senator from the Family First party in South Australia. This great mind could have quite an impact if he holds the balance of power. Here are some sections from his recent live blog with The Morning Bulletin in Rockhampton that show how wonderful everything is going to be.<br />
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<b><u>Marriage Equality</u></b><br />
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<b><u>Women soldiers</u></b><br />
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<b><u>Father's Rights</u></b><br />
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<b><u>Climate Change</u></b><br />
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Good work Australia everything is fine!!!!<br />
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the full blog can be found here:<br />
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http://www.themorningbulletin.com.au/news/family-firsts-bob-day-next-leaders-live-blog-tomor/1992645/Brocklesnitchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15946800767753953754noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2360721646797736627.post-71509811992639812692013-09-05T17:39:00.000+10:002013-09-05T17:42:01.718+10:00 TIPS FOR LIVING A MIND-HEALTHY LIFE<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Get 8 hours sleep:</span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
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<o:AllowPNG/>
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mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0cm;
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<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Go to bed at a reasonable hour. Turn off all screens, even put
away that book. Try to relax. Clear your mind of everything, let sleep wash
over your body. Lie awake for several hours worrying about everything. Think
about all the super accounts that you need to consolidate. Think about how your
have no career. Think about your parents dying. Think about how the world will
most definitely end soon, in one way or another, and try to guess which year
this will happen. Will the children you haven’t had yet live to see their
children graduate high school? Should you even <b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">have </i></b>children? Should you
become an anti-choice activist, but in this case you don’t want anyone to be
allowed to choose to have children at all? Wake up at 6am after falling into a
restless sleep at 3am. You don’t remember falling asleep, but your hands are
clenched into fists.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<u><br /></u></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oo_R8GTqeiU/UigurioDlhI/AAAAAAAAAQ4/RIAkWAGbd-E/s1600/ron.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oo_R8GTqeiU/UigurioDlhI/AAAAAAAAAQ4/RIAkWAGbd-E/s1600/ron.gif" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<u><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: black;">Avoid negative people and
conflict:</span></b><span style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<w:LidThemeOther>EN-AU</w:LidThemeOther>
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<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
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<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/>
<w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/>
<w:OverrideTableStyleHps/>
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<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
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<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Don’t allow time-thieves to steal away your
time. Avoid talking about politics or religion with colleagues, your friends,
your family. Never visit websites or forums where negative people trying to get
a rise out of you hang out. Just have fun with people, talk about movies and
puppies. Use twitter obsessively. Read the #auspol hashtag. Respond to all the
racist, homophobic, sexist trolls that seek you out. Read terrible news sites
with awful journalists. On the most divisive articles ensure that you for some
reason sit down and read every single comment from the stupidest people in the
world. Hate every second of it. Rage at the world around you, feel despair for
the future. Friend all the acquaintances you have on Facebook, so you can learn
to hate them from their naïve and ridiculous beliefs before really knowing
them. Take a break from writing these very words to read a list created by
bigoted Christians listing the crazy reasons they disagree with the idea of
same-sex marriage. Get mad, but keep reading. Never stop reading.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Have pets:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Pets are very important for your mental health and well-being.
Have at least one cat that loves you and you love it. If you like, get a dog. A
dog means unconditional love, something to help you exercise and something to
hug. If you have cats and dogs, make sure to worry about every cat and dog that
you don’t have. Be unable to go past pet shops that sell animals for profit,
because you want to throw a chair through their stupid windows. Never, ever go
to a shelter or look at animals for adoption online because you will end up in
tears that you can’t adopt every animal. Feel a deep feeling of despair when
you see a dog on the street, and stop your car no matter where you are going. Always ruin your plans to collect it in case a car hits it and you will not be able to live with
yourself. You probably wouldn't know if a car hit it, but are a pessimist and will assume it. Take it to the local vet for identification; spend hours making sure
it finds it way home. Feel sad that you cannot take it home.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Appreciate silence:</b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p> </o:p></b>Society moves so fast these days. Make sure you take time to
switch off from the fast-paced world each day. Switch off everything that makes
noise and find a comfortable place to sit. Breathe deeply and enjoy the time
your brain now has to *really*<b> </b>think. Make sure each night you download
enough podcasts so that there will never be one moment during the following day
that noise isn’t playing in your ears. Never ever, not even once have silence
in your ears at a bus stop or train station, lest you overhear the awful things
other humans have to say. If you get the opportunity at work, try not to remove your
headphones. Do not connect with the sounds of the outside world (as much as
possible). When you arrive home, switch on music or the television immediately.
Talk to your pets to break any silences that might exist. Call friends, family members. Make telemarketers uncomfortable with how needy you are. Never be alone with
your terrifying thoughts. Until bedtime, when they will then keep you awake. Turn on
a noise machine so you can have the terrifying thoughts with sound in the
background.</span><br />
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I hope these tips from my life make your life a little bit better. Let's all enjoy the next few days, as there is absolutely nothing that's going to happen on Saturday to make us miserable.</span></div>
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gifs via:</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">tinyurl.com/k69e9ge</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">neonearthtone.tumblr.com/</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">tinyurl.com/ljhp3jg</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">http://tinyurl.com/kzx8oc6</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">tumblr.com/tagged/shut-it-down</span></div>
Brocklesnitchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15946800767753953754noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2360721646797736627.post-23767001267508603022013-08-30T12:04:00.001+10:002013-08-30T12:04:37.292+10:00Things Less Creepy Than Tony Abbott (An incomplete list)<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 57.05pt;">
<u><span style="font-size: large;">This old house</span></u>:<o:p></o:p></div>
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Houses are just structures that
we live in. Sure the house might be haunted with a civil war ghost, and sure that ghost might float over your bed and wake you up in the middle of the night. But a house would protect a nun from rain, not weirdly and creepily kiss her.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<u><span style="font-size: large;">This spider</span></u>:<o:p></o:p></div>
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I HATE spiders. They are scary and creepy and poisonous and small and they scurry about and can hide in tiny places. They are awful. But have you ever seen footage of a spider asking a female apprentice if
she ‘would be the most popular girl in the place'? Doubt it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<u><span style="font-size: large;">The twins from The Shining</span>:</u><o:p></o:p></div>
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Little girls speaking in unison in
a crazy-ass mansion where a man is losing his mind? Of course, we can all agree that is pretty creepy. But is it as creepy as Tony
Abbott standing amongst a group of highschool netballers with that smile and saying ‘full body
contact never hurt anyone’? </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-WDhPbUsFPJ0/Uh_70_fjVtI/AAAAAAAAAQk/ahWPPMRNSm8/s1600/4920952-3x2-700x467.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-WDhPbUsFPJ0/Uh_70_fjVtI/AAAAAAAAAQk/ahWPPMRNSm8/s320/4920952-3x2-700x467.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 57.05pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 57.05pt;">
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 57.05pt;">
Not a chance. <o:p></o:p></div>
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span>Brocklesnitchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15946800767753953754noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2360721646797736627.post-51256998599018077112013-08-02T16:14:00.000+10:002013-08-02T16:16:13.966+10:00Game of Owns<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;">Hi again internet! I recently moved
my series of ‘expert descriptions of things I’ve never seen a minute of’ to my blog, and
it inspired me to write about a television show I’ve been hearing a LOT about
recently. That’s right, Hanging With Mr Cooper. Oh no sorry, that’s for my
other blog about 90s sitcoms nobody else watched. No, this one is about a bunch
of families who fight and kill and maim and fuck and ride dragons and stuff.
That’s right, Real Housewives of New Jersey. FUN JOKES. Of course I am actually
talking about Game of Thrones, occasionally called Games of Thrones by me and
probably your Nanna. Now, unless you are literally dead, you’ve heard of this
show. If you are literally dead, please stop reading and go visit The Ghost
Whisperer (tell Jennifer Love Hewitt I love her). I am now going to list all
the things I think I know about GoT from seeing tweets and the occasional meme
and if I’m wrong please don’t…dragon me? Whatever they do on that show.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="line-height: 150%;">BASIC PLOT<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;">I have no idea. There are a bunch of families
and Kings and Queens and watching the show is basically a memory exercise to
see if you can remember who is who. They kill each other a lot and the ‘Game of
Thrones’ is basically musical chairs played with the throne of power?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It sounds pretty fun. People have tried to
convince me to watch by telling me there are a lot of naked breasts, and I have
to remind them that I am not a pervert but also the internet has a lot of those
and I can look at them without also having to see a hairy man having sex with
his sister. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="line-height: 150%;">JOFFREY<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;">Joffrey has a dumb name. Also he is
like the Slytherin of the group, he is all weird and pasty and evil? He does
some really bad shit I don’t know, but apparently people on the street in real
life accost him angrily because people are idiots. I don’t know if he’s still
alive, but I guess everyone wants him to be dead. What a life for poor Joffrey.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="line-height: 150%;">LENA HEADEY<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;">I think her name is…C…something? Lena
Headey is wonderful, and has long hair and is beautiful in this. I think she
might play Joffrey’s mother or sister? I think she’s probably a bad person, but
who fucking knows. I just wanted to include this to tell you to watch Imagine
Me and You, an English movie where she falls in love with Piper Perabo and
makes me very happy aka pushing my lesbian agenda.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="line-height: 150%;">KHALEESI<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;">Khaleesi has really long white-blonde
hair and looks kind of like a human unicorn, but GoT doesn’t have unicorns (I
don’t think). She seems to be really awesome and is a Dragon Whisperer or some
shit. She’s either good with dragons, or is actually a dragon or something.
Definitely dragons are involved. She seems like the most relevant to my interest
character.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="line-height: 150%;">LILY ALLEN’S BROTHER<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;">Lily Allen has a song called Alfie
about her brother and I know her brother is in this, so I assume Alfie Allen is
in this. Oh, something Greyjoy is his name? I think he’s a good guy, and he
also might have been killed already. He looks like a young Michael Shannon. Is
he Joffrey’s brother? Oh who knows, there are too many people in this.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="line-height: 150%;">MORDOR<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;">Wait, Mordor might be Lord of the
Rings. But Sean Bean is in both? STOP DOING SO MANY MEMES I AM CONFUSED.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="line-height: 150%;">PETER DINKLAGE<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;">Okay, he plays someone called Tyron?
Tyrion? Try-on? He is VERY HANDSOME and I think he’s a great actor, so one day
I might just watch his scenes. I don’t really know what Tyrion gets up to
around the place. I think he is a good guy who fights again Joffrey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However I do know that he can get it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="line-height: 150%;">JON SNOW<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;">He knows nothing! He is like me! What
he knows nothing about, I’m not sure. I have seen a picture of him, he is
bearded and in…snow, so that’s a bit too literal for my tastes. I have an image
of him basically wearing a bear fur and performing oral sex on a naked woman
with snow in his beard, so that could have happened or just be something I
thought of earlier. But it seems unlikely that my imagination would put a
bearded dude in there and not Khaleesi, so I don’t know. Also I’m pretty sure
the snow in the beard trick is something he read in Cosmo.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="line-height: 150%;">WINTER IS COMING<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;">This is a popular catchphrase used in
memes. I guess some guy says it and it is probable literal in that winter is
coming and that can cause problems like their horses would ice over in the
morning, and also it’s probably a figurative way to say that some bad stuff is
going to happen. All I know is that my “Wintour is coming – Anna Wintour having
sex” tweet did pretty well, so thanks Guy of Thrones.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="line-height: 150%;">RED WEDDING<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;">Okay, this caused so so so so many
tweets by people. I think I saw the same jokes ten thousand times, it really
made me want to go all Joffrey on everyone am I right? Because that would be
bad? In any case, I’m pretty sure this was like Four Weddings: Game of Thrones
and someone hated the people getting married and were like ‘I object! By
killing you and your family and children and puppies’ and it was a trap and a
bunch of people got dead. Sad. I bet they didn’t get the deposit back on the
hall or tuxedos. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;">I believe that sums up everything I
know about Game of Thrones. I understand there are approximately one billion
more characters and most of them are dudes, and so i’m not sure I’ll ever get
around to watching it. But I am glad it brings you so much joy, please don’t
contact me to correct my mistakes, only contact me to give me cash or compliments
or cakes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 144.9pt;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;"><o:p> </o:p></span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span></div>
Brocklesnitchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15946800767753953754noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2360721646797736627.post-78430180766187539622013-08-02T11:33:00.000+10:002013-08-02T11:33:51.063+10:00Star Bec<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
Hi there everyone! This is the
third in my ‘information series of popular things I have never seen nor have
any interest in much to the chagrin of a lot of people on the internet’. I’m
sure I could come up with a catchier name later, but I almost definitely won’t.
Anyway, I thought it was about time I write about Star Trek partly because of
the excitement of the new movie, and so everyone could have a little refresher
about the series. Of course I have never seen an episode of the show or any of
the movies, but I have watched a lot of The Simpsons. I also watched the
classic terrible movie American Psycho 2, and William Shatner is in that and
pushed out of a window, so I feel confident in my knowledge about the Stars
Treks. Speaking of star things, Star Trek and Star Wars seem pretty similar. I
mean, they both feature stars but I guess some people trek through the stars
peacefully and some have wars in and around the stars, and so I’m on the
peaceful guys team I guess? Anyway, I have some episodes of Storage Wars aka
the best wars to watch, so let me get into it. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>Star Trek<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
As I started writing this, I
realised I really have no idea what this show is about. It was on in the 60s,
and I know it’s some people in spacecraft doing stuff in space. Why are there?
Are they looking to find planets and such? Does Earth exist in this and also
women? Are they looking for Uranus hahaha? Why were people watching this when
they could be having free love? There have been several television shows and
lots of movies based on it. And then the new ones happened and JJ Abrams did
those maybe. Now he’s doing Star Wars? Or Joss Whedon. I don’t know, none of
these things are Buffy so I don’t care.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>Leonard Nimoy<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
Leonard plays Doctor or Mr Spock?
He is dressed either in blue or yellow, and has deformed ears and amazing
eyebrows. He looks kind of like a drag queen before they put on the rest of
their outfit. I wish he wore a smock so he could be Mr Spock in a smock, but
that probably never happened. I don’t know what he does, something where he’s a
no-fun serious guy who never smiles. Lighten up Leonard, jesus! APPRECIATE THE
MIRACLE OF WHERE YOU ARE YOU ARE! YOU ARE IN SPACE.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>Billy Shats<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;">William Shatner plays Captain Kirk,
so I suppose he runs the ship thing. He was handsome I guess? Captain Kirk is
dressed like the Yellow Wiggle and I have no idea what his personality or
character is like, but I do know his legacy was Shatnered on at the Oscars this
year. A more fun show would be if current day William Shatner owned a bar in
space and it was called ‘Space Bar’ and he was all grumpy or something
hilarious like that.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>George Takei <o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
I have no idea who or what George
Takei played, but he’s a really great awesome guy in real life so I had to
include him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sure he was great at
the trekking.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>Live Long and Prosper<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
This is the thing the space guys
say while they do a gang sign at you. I think Nimoy does it a lot. If they had
Instagram it would just be photo after photo of people on the ship popping gang
signs and taking selfies. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>Beam Me Up Scotty<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
I’ve heard this a lot, at parties
in QLD guys will say ‘Beam me up Scotty’ and they mean ‘Give me a can of your
finest Jim Beam premix Scott’ – this isn’t a true story but god I wish it were.
In any case, I think Kirk says this and Scotty (don’t know who he is, maybe the
I.T guy), does…beam him up. From somewhere to somewhere else. Aren’t they
already in SPACE, where can you go that is UP from space? Anyway, sounds fun.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>The Next Generation<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
Unfortunately this isn’t about
Degrassi (miss you Spike), I guess it was a reboot in the…90s? Patrick Stewart
looks dashing in his baldness and snazzy red and black uniform, and that’s
pretty much the extent of my knowledge about that. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
As you can see, I am an expert in
all things Star Trek and next year I will be appearing on Australia’s version
of The Big Bang Theory. Please do not tell me things about Star Trek, but do
tell me how amazing I am. Live long and prosper, for reals.<span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span></div>
Brocklesnitchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15946800767753953754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2360721646797736627.post-37970732122220418122013-07-31T15:43:00.001+10:002013-08-02T01:55:00.757+10:00Doctor Who/When/Where/How/WHY/I Don’t Know<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;">Hello Internet! You may remember I
wrote a post about the small amount of knowledge I have about the beloved movie
series Star Wars. This was a VERY successful post in that a lot of people got
annoyed and I probably lost some twitter followers and perhaps someone is
planning my untimely death right now. But I had fun doing it, and to be honest
that is all that really matters to me. Because it was so fun, I’ve decided to
do a similar thing with another beloved series. This time I am taking on the
juggernaut that is Doctor Who. I tweeted that I was planning on doing this, and
instantly had people tweet back “NEVER call it Dr Who it is always DOCTOR” and etc
so I automatically knew that Doctor Who fans are very relaxed and open to a bit
of fun and jokes around their favourite television show. I understand that this
is the epitome of a cult television show, but have you seen that new Kevin
Bacon show ‘The Following’ now THAT is a cult show if I’ve ever seen one (it’s
about a cult).</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
As a very young child I do have
vague recollections of my older brothers watching Doctor Who. Unfortunately all
television memories were wiped out and replaced with the one of my macho
tough-as-nails older brother sobbing when Todd Landers died on Neighbours in
1992. Nothing exists before that, and nothing that amazing has ever happened
since. I cannot wait for his daughters to be old enough to understand so I can
tell them about this moment in history and also make them laugh at him and
perhaps point at his shame. Anyway, back to Doctor Who. I am going to list all
of the things I think I know about it. If I am wrong, please don’t assassinate
me. I also have zero idea what parts of my knowledge come from the old series
or the new series, so gird your loins. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>Doctor Who<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
He’s the man! I have no idea what
kind of Doctor he is, I don’t think he has a medical degree or anything and in
fact I suspect he just calls himself doctor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Does he bulk bill? As far as I know there was a long line of different
Doctors from basically when the dinosaurs roamed the earth and they keep
changing because they die off or have a short life span or I don’t know? Oh
maybe they are all the same person, but they just get a new body when that one
gets tired and old. Just like I’ll do with my wife, amirite fellas??<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is actually a really clever way to keep
the show going forever, good job nerds. But why hasn’t there been a lady
doctor? Why can’t he regenerate into a woman’s body? (Sexy sentence alert!).
Also there should be a female James Bond, just while I’m on this particular
soapbox of demanding things of television and movies I’ve never watched.
Anyway, I don’t know where Doctor Who comes from or what he’s doing but he
seems nice. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>TARDIS<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
I don’t feel comfortable saying
this word out loud, even if it is an acronym. I have no idea what it stands for
but maybe something like Talking And Running Dude In Space? Anyway, I think
it’s the time/space/masturbation time machine Mr Doctor uses to get about. If I
remember correctly it looks like a blue phone box, and by that I mean I don’t
remember what phone boxes look like because I’m so young. I think the Doctor
just always wears the same outfit as Sherlock Holmes, so I don’t think he gets
changed in there like Superman. Oh wait, was Bill and Ted’s phone booth a
tribute to this thing? Cool, I got that reference twenty years later. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>Companions<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
The Companions are ladies and or
gentlemen (mostly ladies?) who are DW’s BFF at any given time, I think. I only
really know because one has been Billie Piper and Honey to the Bee, that’s you
for me. Buzz me up to heaven baby. Those are lyrics from a classic 1997 Billie
Piper song, and now she’s gallivanting around space and time with Doctor Who.
Probably BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO! (Another classic Billie
Piper song reference for those people that were cool in the nineties). Anyway
the word ‘companion’ makes me think of two old men who have been together
forever but who don’t want to admit they are gay lovers, so I like to imagine
there’s been a bit of that going on over the years. I don’t know where these
people come from, but I suspect it’s a good way to get a hot token female in
there somewhere. P.S if any rich weirdo would like to hire me to be their
travelling companion, I am available for European vacations.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<b style="line-height: 150%;"><u><br /></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<b style="line-height: 150%;"><u>Daleks</u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;">Daleks sounds like a the name a bogan
would give their son who has the longest rats tail you’ve ever seen on a four
year old. I think they are little squat robot things? In any case they look
like a bumpy sex toy crossed with salt and pepper shakers. At some point
someone has said ‘exterminate exterminate’ and I think it’s these guys or the
Lost in Space guys. Are they trying to exterminate Doctor Who? If so, they are
TERRIBLE at their job.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 150%;">Get it together,
Daleks. Also ‘Daleks Baldwin’ would be a fun sketch if I’m pronouncing this
word right in my head.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
In summary, people love this show
and I am happy for them. I just hope the scornful and rigid attitude from a lot
of the fans doesn’t stop young people from becoming new fans, HINT. Anyway, if
you now want to talk to me about a REALLY great show where a man jumps around
in time, please tweet me about Quantum Leap and mega-babe Scott Bakula. Please
do not contact me and tell me I need to watch Doctor Who(m) because I don’t
want to. Please DO tell contact me to tell me how great I am or if you wish to
discuss Quantum Leap or Party of Five or Felicity or most other nineties shows
I am always available. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Brocklesnitchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15946800767753953754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2360721646797736627.post-32049705976293345682013-07-31T15:13:00.000+10:002013-07-31T15:13:08.153+10:00Star Chores<div>
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Hello Internet! My name is Rebecca
and I have gathered you all here to get a secret off my chest. We all know that
the Internet is a kind and forgiving place, free of judgement and petty
arguments. So I feel quite safe in revealing things here. I’m thinking of this
as an Embarrassing Bodies studio and you are all Dr Pixie. The secret protruding
bowel out of my anus that I’ve lived with for too long is…I’ve never seen even
one minute of a Star Wars movie. Please see that weird-jawed tanned blonde man
doctor if you feel faint. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
Before you ask, this Star Wars
ignorance isn’t out of some rebellion to shun the popular, I think everyone
knows about my love for Beyonce (Call me May-Bey). It isn’t for any kind of
reason except that it has never appealed to me, and apparently has never been
on during those times I’m just too lazy to change the channel (which is how
I’ve seen The Net forty times). I also grew up with three brothers who would
never watch ‘nerd shit’, and so it has come to the pass that I am 30 years old
and haven’t seen it. Obviously this has no doubt resulted in me missing some
jokes on shows like Community (shout-out Britta just because), but I think that
my life has gone okay in any case. Now, obviously the sensible thing to do
would be to watch the movies, but let it NEVER be said that I was sensible.
Instead, I thought I would write the only general things I know about Star Wars
that I have picked up second-hand over my long and illustrious life. Hopefully you will find my ignorance
hilarious, as I find yours in all other areas!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<b><u>Luke I am your father<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
This is when Darth Vader
(unfortunately not Vada from My Girl) says ‘Luke come over to the dark side, I
am your father and whatnot’ and then I’m not sure what happens but I have seen Maury
Povich episodes like this, and usually they hug and cry. Oh, then the
plastic-face guy and Luke fight with light sabers (which is also the best way
to compliment a lady sabertooth tiger), and I don’t know who wins but I assume..I
don’t care.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><u>Jar Jar Binks<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
Jar Jar Binks is a thing that
everyone hates? I think it’s a thing
that talks, but is probably some sort of creature rather than a human because
of its stupid name? Anyway ‘LL Cool J – Ladies Loath Cool Jar Jar’ is a thing I
just thought of.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<b><u>Princess Leia <o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
Princess Leia is the woman with the
two-bun hair that Ross from Friends (the worst Friend) had a fantasy about. I
kind of want to cover her hair buns in cinnamon and icing and then eat them,
but that’s between my therapist and I.
Anyway, the Princess (of the Star Wars kingdom?) and Luke had a super
hot incest thing going. Princess
Lay-Her, am I right? Um, Natalie Portman is beautiful and plays her daughter or
mother or someone totally unrelated in the newer/older/whichever order movies
(which, by the way, just seems deliberately confusing). Leia also wears a lot of white, just like
they do at your local White Lady Funerals. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<b><u>Han Solo<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
I was pretty confident that
Harrison Ford played Luke up until very recently. Anyway, Han Solo is a guy that wears a vest
and he shot first? I’m not sure who shot whom, or what for, but I think it
happened in a cafeteria. I don’t know what his job is, but I do love Indiana
Jones so if it’s anything like that or if someone’s heart gets ripped out
through his or her chest I’m fine with it. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<b><u>R2D2<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
Mr R2D2 isn’t an abortion pill; he
is what I imagine to be Ask Jeeves in gold robot form. I dunno what his deal is;
I guess he’s a fancy slave or something.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<b><u>Chewbacca<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
This is like ‘Chew’ ‘Tobacca’? Why
is he called this? I just know he’s a big hairy thing that has a funny Kermit
voice and I’m pretty sure in between movies he filmed Harry and the
Hendersons. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<b><u>George Lucas<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
George Lucas made all the movies
that everyone loved as kids, but then when they grew up he made some more and
they were bad so we all hate him now.
Something about one of the new ones is mostly about trade negotiations,
and to be honest that’s probably the one that interests me the most. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
So in summation, George Lucas has
sold Star Wars to Disney for 1 Bazillion Dollars, and he’s donating it to sick
puppies or children so I am all for Star Wars.
Imagine if it was called ‘Star Paws’ and it was about puppies with stars
on their little paws!! I would watch that.
For now, please NEVER contact me with more information or details about
Star Wars, but feel free to contact me with praise and cheques. <o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment--></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Brocklesnitchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15946800767753953754noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2360721646797736627.post-90199826188188127272013-06-14T17:34:00.003+10:002013-06-15T21:07:42.333+10:00HoHoHorror<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 103.2pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Hello there my
special little darlings. I am writing this after a solid day of ranting and raving about the state of Australian political
and social climate. If you look anywhere else with your eyes, you will find
people much smarter than me writing smart and important and serious words about
these things. On the other hand, you have me. I am here to (try) and write
dumb and silly and unimportant words for when your brains need a break. This
blog post is the first (if you like it) in a series of:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 103.2pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 103.2pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">LESBIAN HORROR STORIES </b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 103.2pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 103.2pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Please enjoy/read/whatever
you want to do I’m not your mother or guardian.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 103.2pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></o:p>
<o:p><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 103.2pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The Kitchen<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 103.2pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 103.2pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 103.2pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Ellen Degeneres sits
on her couch, staring intently at her television. Playing on it is her own
image. On Sundays she has Tony the DJ make a supercut of all the times she
danced on camera that week (including every CCTV camera she was caught on in
the entirety of Los Angeles). When she can’t sleep, she gets out of bed to
watch it for an hour or three. It soothes her. Suddenly, she hears a strange
noise coming from the kitchen. Unfamiliar to her ears, it makes her jump. She
stands up and faces the direction of the sound, breathing heavily. She knows it
isn’t her rescue dog or her other rescue dog or her rescue cat or her other
rescue cat or that other stray cat they are feeding or her rescue birds or her
rescue horse or her rescue Sophia Grace or Rosie (they are in the soundproof
cage in the studio basement at Burbank), or her rescue pony or rescue mule or
rescue sheep or rescue donkey or the rescue parrot she gave CPR to or the
monkey she rescued from the set of Friends (Jen Aniston smuggled it out in The
Rachel). Could it be Portia? No, since she had lunch with Gwyneth last week to get
health tips, she sleeps wrapped upside down in a fake womb hanging from the
ceiling. She wouldn’t be birthed out into a bath of warm coconut water until
the water broke at 5:45am. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 103.2pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 103.2pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The noise
continued. It was a thick gurgling, a steady bubbling, perhaps similar to the
sound of a person struggling to breathe or Barney Frank doing anything. The
hairs on her arms stood on end, waving back and forth, wearing a sensible vegan
vest – mimicking the dancing figure on the screen behind her. She took a few
steps towards the kitchen, with a feeling in the pit of her stomach that
something was very wrong. Although not as wrong as her romantic comedy Mr
Wrong, the wrongest thing that has ever happened. The noise seemed to be
getting louder now, each gurgle lasting a few seconds more each time. She
finally reached the kitchen and entered through the doorway, poking her tiny head
around inch by inch until she could see in. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“If only These Walls Could Talk 2,” she thought to
herself. Even in times of crisis she can’t stop being hilarious. It is her burden.
She looked around the kitchen. There was nobody there. No wild animal, no open
door, no brick covered in ricin thrown through the window by Oprah and Gayle
like last time. Her heart was racing as the strange and scary noise shattered
the silence again and again. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 103.2pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 103.2pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She realised the
sound was coming from the usually empty space beside the Swisse Vitamin pantry.
She quickly turned and grabbed a knife from the sink and moved toward the SVP,
feeling her pulse beating hard in her wrist as she grasped the handle (her hand
grip incredibly strong due to Swisse Vitamins). She approached the pantry and
quietly flattened herself against the door. She paused, gathering her courage like Kristen Bell and a sloth gathering youtube hits.
Suddenly there was an extremely loud gurgle. She swung into action and let out
a Xena yell as she pounced around the corner, jabbing the knife out in both of
her shaky hands. There was nobody there! The noise was coming from the
six-hundred dollar waterfall fountain Portia had purchased that day for their
cats. Ellen had completely forgotten about it. She started to laugh
hysterically, gasping <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I put myself
through hELLEN back because of this”, doubling over with laughter at her own
wit. As she stood she noticed tiny writing on the side of the fountain. She bent
back down and read it out loud, alone in the kitchen - “contains slip agents,
made from animal fat”.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 103.2pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She starts
screaming.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; tab-stops: 103.2pt;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
Brocklesnitchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15946800767753953754noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2360721646797736627.post-9621010480130983652013-01-07T17:58:00.001+10:002013-06-24T13:06:43.911+10:00Everything Old Is Man Again <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Hello there everyone! Especially
you, you are my special favourite. I am writing this blog under a very wonderful mood spell of no sleep, too much caffeine & being annoyed by the bus trip home i just had and being pre-annoyed at all the future ones that are still left for me to experience until i die. I guess you could call it crazy sad, not to be confused with
that Kirsten Dunst movie Crazy Beautiful in which something happened and I
can’t remember, obviously it deeply impacted me not to be confused with Deep
Impact which was crazy beautiful. Speaking of Kirsten Dunst, she is in an
upcoming movie where she plays the wife of Viggo Mortensen, he of hilarious
name and intimidating face. GREAT SEGUE! The best way to insert a segue seamlessly is to shout how great the segue was, just a little tip for you 'writers'.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I wanted to bring up the relationship between K-Duns and V-Mort (Voldemort) because i am getting a bit tired of seeing movies where the featured couple is an older actor with a young actress. Obviously i would prefer to see the couple be an actress with another actress, but if that isn't a possibility i would like SOME movies to have couples of similar ages. Of course if the age difference is a major plot point in the movie (and not just slyly referenced), that's fine as i would never deny a filmmaker the right to explore his own sexual and personal fantasies not that i'm speaking about anyone in particular Woody Allen. And of course relationships like that happen in real life, and i have no problem with them for i would never deign to label myself Judge Judy or Judging Amy or any other excellent people who get to Judge for a living. However, movies are generally meant to be about regular people (who look like celebrities), and in regular marriages amongst us normals, the age difference average is about two years & huge age gaps are quite rare. In regards to the movie with Lord Voldemort and Torrance, i actually don't know if it is a plot point in the movie but if it isn't my opinion can be summed up by this photo of 30 year old Kirsten and a 54 year old lesbian:<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_CG2JrM7d_E/UOpqW30q9nI/AAAAAAAAAMg/ALFyJCMYyFk/s1600/Kirsten-Dunst-Viggo-Mortensen_galleryphoto_paysage_std.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_CG2JrM7d_E/UOpqW30q9nI/AAAAAAAAAMg/ALFyJCMYyFk/s400/Kirsten-Dunst-Viggo-Mortensen_galleryphoto_paysage_std.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ellen looks terrible</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
The most recent movie that has tickled my angry bone (new saying i'm trying out, i think it will catch on) is The Silver Linings Playbook. In this David O. Russell jaunt, the romance is between 38 year old B-Rad Cooper and 22 year old Jennifer Lawrence (sister of Joey Lawrence, not really but that would be great). Here Lawrence is playing a character from a novel that is at least a decade older than her. PLEASE do not get me wrong, i think she is wonderful and apparently she fought hard to get the role (just like Katniss fights hard for hunger), but are there really no 30ish year old actresses in the all of Hollywood and beyond that would do the job? Also, is there any chance that when Jennifer Lawrence is in her thirties she will be starring alongside actors 15 years younger than her? No. Is there a chance she might not get any roles? Yes. Is there a chance she will not be acting any more because she'll be too busy looking after the children we're having together? Of course not, stupid. <br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DwKUY2CPpGM/UOpxs_ndkzI/AAAAAAAAAM8/wKaX8iZSLvQ/s1600/Silver+Linings+Playbook+-+inside.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="280" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DwKUY2CPpGM/UOpxs_ndkzI/AAAAAAAAAM8/wKaX8iZSLvQ/s400/Silver+Linings+Playbook+-+inside.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">LOOK HOW YOUNG I AM I'M WEARING A MIGHTY DUCKS? JERSEY!!<br />
ALSO WTF IS THAT PICTURE OVER THERE</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="line-height: 150%;"><br /></span>
<span style="line-height: 150%;">If that age-difference isn't enough for you dirty birds, there is an upcoming movie called 'The Third Person'. Not much is known about it, however what IS known is that Liam Neeson and Olivia Wilde play a romantic couple. I love that scene in Taken when Neeson says "What i do have a very particular set of skills; skills i have acquired over a very long career....BECAUSE I AM SIXTY YEARS OLD" or something similar to that. On the other hand Olivia Wilde is 28. She's younger than me, and that is truly the part i find the most disgusting. </span><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-G0AXbdwbRtk/UOp10EOv6iI/AAAAAAAAANQ/TbeRG1hHAPk/s1600/olivia-wilde-liam-neeson-third-person-set28.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-G0AXbdwbRtk/UOp10EOv6iI/AAAAAAAAANQ/TbeRG1hHAPk/s400/olivia-wilde-liam-neeson-third-person-set28.jpg" width="266" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sure Grandpa, i'll tie your shoe<br />
<br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Then you have 'Seeking a Friend for the End of the World' starring Steve Carell (50) and Keira Knightley (27), but at least the Carell character and perhaps Carell the person have the good sense to be a bit weirded out by it. And after all, Carell has played the romantic lead opposite Tina Fey (42) and Juliette Binoche (48) so he really deserves a chance to play alongside someone beautiful instead of those hideous old witches.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mvH0OlkAChc/UOp6ALvsqBI/AAAAAAAAAOA/cAZcQtk3RH4/s1600/tina_fey-date_night-1-243x300.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mvH0OlkAChc/UOp6ALvsqBI/AAAAAAAAAOA/cAZcQtk3RH4/s200/tina_fey-date_night-1-243x300.jpg" width="162" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ugh</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-D2WeHU4GSTo/UOp5fIfSjoI/AAAAAAAAAN4/daZQnwwUHfk/s1600/juliette-binoche_closer_star_large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-D2WeHU4GSTo/UOp5fIfSjoI/AAAAAAAAAN4/daZQnwwUHfk/s200/juliette-binoche_closer_star_large.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Disgusting </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;">Of course there are plenty of other examples i can think of in movies where this sort of thing takes place, but almost none in the reverse where an older actress is with a young actor and it isn't a plot point and news headlines aren't screaming the word cougar at me twenty-four hours a day until i literally rip my own ears off and throw them at my local newsagent. Besides the constant older man/younger woman thing there are also plenty of examples where actresses are cast as the MOTHERS of actors even if the actress is younger or of similar age. In the movie 'Riding in Cars with Boys, Drew Barrymore (37) plays the mother of Adam Garcia (39). </span></div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QGOTKOm58Z8/UOp3sRP3KeI/AAAAAAAAANg/ZV_eR1Do8i8/s1600/167650_large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="271" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QGOTKOm58Z8/UOp3sRP3KeI/AAAAAAAAANg/ZV_eR1Do8i8/s400/167650_large.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Yo Mama so old she could be played by a stunning young Drew Barrymore" SICK BURN<br />
<br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
This is an issue not just because obviously it's so dumb that young women are cast in roles they are just not old enough to be playing, but also that actresses who ARE an appropriate age to play the role aren't considered. Actresses play romantic leads for men of any age until they hit their mid-to-late twenties and then they switch to playing the mothers of those same actors. Any other role is played by Judy Dench or Meryl Streep (who can play anything so it's really fine i take it all back). I imagine that if Basic Instinct was remade now, the two female leads would be played by Emma Stone and Jennifer Lawrence and Michael Douglas' part would be played by Michael Douglas. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
So i guess to sum up, all i really want is an overhaul of the entertainment and movie making industries where sometimes romantic relationships are between two beautiful people of the same age, where women are given great roles no matter their age, where older actresses can be seen to be sexy like <span style="line-height: 150%;">similar-aged male counterparts, and basically for equality between men and women in all areas in all industries around the world. </span></div>
<br />
So just get on that, okay thanks. I'LL BE CHECKING ON YOU.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
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<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Brocklesnitchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15946800767753953754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2360721646797736627.post-51187717966612246582012-10-18T07:46:00.000+10:002012-10-18T07:46:13.707+10:00Loo-per No Ones Request <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Last week I saw the movie Looper! I
am just like an earring-less Margaret Pomeranz who is the best,
except mostly I am just like David because he and I
are both cranky people and we both hold hatred in our cranky hearts for shaky cam. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST PLEASE
PUT THE CAMERA DOWN SO I DON’T VOMIT IN THE TOILETS AT THE INDOOROOPILLY EVENT
CINEMAS DURING CLOVERFIELD TOO LATE THAT HAPPENED IN 2008. Anyway, I kind of wish I hated Looper so I could have shouted,
“ugh that movie was a real looper scooper!!!” hahahah you know like ‘pooper
scooper’? hahaha all the funniest jokes are the ones you need to explain in
writing. But no I didn’t hate it; I
thought it was good so thanks a lot moviemaker for ruining my awesome joke. Before you ask, yes I was highly disturbed by
some parts. It is gory, but no that didn’t bother me at all because I’ve seen a
lot of episodes of Embarrassing Bodies. A
lot of other people were a bit disturbed by the face prosthetics used to make Jo-Go look more like Bru-Will but not me because well i suppose i don't give a looper scooper. In my opinion all the focus should strictly be on the weird
colour and shape of Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s lips in the diner scene. Granted the scene isn't that long but it really disturbed me mainly because my lips have never been that colour and i'm not sure how to approach the Myer makeup counter and ask the scary lady in the lab coat how to get my lips looking like that. But really the movie should have
been called LIPPER, am I right? No. Besides that, let me be blunt. PLEASE. Emily Blunt is
in it, and gorgeous. So let me be her. All in all you should probably watch it. You don't have to, i'm not your mother! but i AM you from the future and i just want to apologise now for what i'm going to put your body through.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HrovBgPIV5w/UH66hX1E_-I/AAAAAAAAALU/8gkOM6iRFXA/s1600/Looper-Diner-Scene.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HrovBgPIV5w/UH66hX1E_-I/AAAAAAAAALU/8gkOM6iRFXA/s320/Looper-Diner-Scene.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fun staring comp</td></tr>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;">You could be fooled into thinking
this blog is some sort of movie review thing where I review a movie, but you
are wrong!</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 150%;">Looper got me
thinking about other combinations of people that could have played young and
old versions of each other or whatever the correct combination of words you
would put there for that to make sense. Therefore this blog is basically just an excuse for me to put
those thinkings (what I call them) onto this white shiny (Microsoft word
document).</span></div>
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<u>MAYA RUDOLPH AND ALIA SHAWWWWMEOWKAT<o:p></o:p></u></div>
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<span style="line-height: 150%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;"><u>I</u> can’t even make any jokes here! I
love the people above in underlined! They are hilarious and they do great
things! I even watch Up All Night even though it isn’t that great and now Will
Arnett is really skinny and tanned on it and I’m suspicious</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 150%;">of that because he and Amy have just split up
and in case you were wondering I’m on Team Amy not that there are any teams
(but team Amy for life).</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 150%;">What I’m saying
is that Maya Rudolph is in Up All Night so I watch it.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 150%;">And OBVIOUSLY you have all seen Arrested
Development so you know how great Alia is.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;">
</span><span style="line-height: 150%;">If you haven’t seen it, what the what?? Stop looking at these words and
off you toddle immediately you dum dum! Did you like how condescending I was, I am practicing to fit in
with the rest of the internet! HEY IN OTHER NEWS HAVE YOU NOTICED HOW MUCH THOSE TWO PEOPLE I
PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED LOOK ALIKE THEY COULD PLAY SISTERS OR EVEN A PERSON WHO
HAS COME BACK IN TIME OR SOME SHIT AND ESCAPED THE BLUNDERBUSS OR WHATNOT?</span></div>
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<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QYC547-toQg/UH67ZFarzGI/AAAAAAAAALk/Us66s6XeGrU/s1600/maya-rudolph-getty-250.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="line-height: 150%; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QYC547-toQg/UH67ZFarzGI/AAAAAAAAALk/Us66s6XeGrU/s200/maya-rudolph-getty-250.jpeg" width="157" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Which is which?</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-29v_6HDfNXM/UH67WRgLVGI/AAAAAAAAALc/uspAI9r--Wc/s1600/Alia%252BShawkat.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-29v_6HDfNXM/UH67WRgLVGI/AAAAAAAAALc/uspAI9r--Wc/s200/Alia%252BShawkat.jpeg" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Are you SHAW? KAT?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
p.s if you combine their names you get 'Maya Kat' which is a dead on impression of my impression of a stereotypical Spaghetti Italian Mama saying 'my cat' this p.s is just for your records/my biography<br />
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<u>TAYLOR SWIFT AND HEATHER
LOCKLEAR<o:p></o:p></u></div>
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If you know me (which each and
every one of you do deep in your heart), you know I don’t actually have any
Taylor Swift music on my iPod but for some reason I have a compulsion to defend
her to anyone and everyone. But
seriously she writes her own songs which is unusual and they are catchy country
pop tunes I think she is really talented!!!!!!!!!! Heather Locklear on the other hand writes
none of her own songs and her songs are neither catchy nor pop songs nor songs
nor do I think she’s tried to sing nor do I recall seeing her do anything since
Melrose Place 1999. In fact, I don’t
really know what’s going on with HL these days besides I think she is mainly
known for driving erratically and calling 911? Wait! I just went to educate
myself on the Locklear and I’ve learnt she is meant to be in Scary Movie FIVE
in 2013 so that is encouraging because it’s sure to be an instant classic and i can't believe i have to wait until next year! It is immediately going on my list of 'events i hope i don't die before' under the<b> final episodes of Breaking Bad</b> and i guess some <b>family shit</b>. Anyway on the very small chance that is a dud, HL should be reassured that one day
she can come back from the past/future/Narnia/Hogwarts whatever and sit at a
table with Taylor Swift and do whatever happens in that movie except with the
added storyline of their past/future selves WRITING THEIR OWN MUSIC AND BEING YOUNG
AND LOOKING LIKE A BABY DEER/HEATHER LOCKLEAR/HEATHER LOCKDEER AND JUST LEAVE TAYLOR ALONE OKAY.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZPVxXQLV0d0/UH68Rof9eUI/AAAAAAAAALs/CLsNwGn2TnU/s1600/taylor-swift-heather-locklear.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="221" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZPVxXQLV0d0/UH68Rof9eUI/AAAAAAAAALs/CLsNwGn2TnU/s320/taylor-swift-heather-locklear.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">They are never ever getting back together except in a time travel movie playing the same person</td></tr>
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<u>DONALD TRUMP AND THIS MOP<o:p></o:p></u></div>
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One day I assume Donald Trump will
pay to have someone make a cool movie starring him, and the casting agents will
search as hard to find his Looper lookalike as Mitt Romney looking for a qualified
woman to work for him. They will go
through every single actor and then every single person in the world before
realising the best solution is this mop.
This mop will win everyone over on set, because it is a real down to
earth mop actor who knows what it is like to do some hard labour, and it will
even learn the names of the set cleaners.
Donald will fight against this mop being in the movie, but audience test
screenings will prove that the mop is more likeable than Donald Trump and so it
will not only be in the movie, but will be a scene stealer. Then it will be
nominated for an Oscar and go on to win that Oscar where it will do a
hilarious ‘pretending to clean the Oscar statue’ bit that will go down in
history as the best joke ever at an Academy Awards, even bigger than when Crash
won Best Picture. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WIkOZMv-mjs/UH685pY2yVI/AAAAAAAAAL8/YiMEpMij-CE/s1600/Deluxe-Mop-Head-22261780615.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WIkOZMv-mjs/UH685pY2yVI/AAAAAAAAAL8/YiMEpMij-CE/s200/Deluxe-Mop-Head-22261780615.jpeg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">likeable and also cleans</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ld0L23k2M9Q/UH68zK6Va6I/AAAAAAAAAL0/Nu97Za4xXKI/s1600/donald-trump.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ld0L23k2M9Q/UH68zK6Va6I/AAAAAAAAAL0/Nu97Za4xXKI/s200/donald-trump.jpeg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">unlikeable. <br />
Do you need to MOP up your tears? BURN NOTICE DONALD</td></tr>
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<u><br /></u></div>
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<u>BLAKE LIVELY AND SIENNA MILLER<o:p></o:p></u></div>
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I have no idea if these two look
similar or how old they are because they both give me that facial recognition
disorder where it doesn’t matter how many times I see them in a movie or in a picture I literally will never recognise them if I see them again. It has
happened hundreds of times. So i am not putting their pictures here and they
should just play each other or anyone or whatever just bring Emily Blunt back.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
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LOOPER REVIEW: 5 BLOG STARS FOR MY
OWN BLOG<o:p></o:p></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<!--EndFragment-->
<!--EndFragment-->Brocklesnitchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15946800767753953754noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2360721646797736627.post-78669122931495165562012-09-18T22:09:00.004+10:002012-09-18T22:09:55.784+10:00Attack of the gays
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<span style="line-height: 150%;">Hello there friends! And people who are very bored or perhaps
are at computers that won’t open other websites for whatever reason! I know
there has been a lot of news over the past few days, what with the discovery
that Kate Middleton has breasts and that Mitt Romney is a giant boob, so you
might have missed that there has been debate in parliament regarding the
same-sex marriage bill that will be voted on in this week. There is a lot of serious writing by much smarter
people than I about this issue, but my pointy lesbian ears (that’s a quick way
to identify any lesbians in a crowd, look for pointy ears) were drawn towards
some hilarious/ridiculous/homophobic/weird remarks made during the debate by a certain Senator Boswell that I
wanted to quickly comment on. Now, I know
it’s hard to believe, but the Senator making homophobic and out-dated comment
is from the NATIONAL party in QUEENSLAND.
Can you believe it? I mean, what
is someone from the progressive and awesome National party in Queensland doing
saying things like that!? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NvGdRHvcowc/UFhhyOVsaMI/AAAAAAAAAJ8/88S3AMoa2j4/s1600/OMC-HowBizarre.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NvGdRHvcowc/UFhhyOVsaMI/AAAAAAAAAJ8/88S3AMoa2j4/s200/OMC-HowBizarre.jpeg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;">Anyway, kindly Mr Boswell had some quiet reservations about the idea of
same-sex marriage, saying ‘I cannot imagine a more severe attack on the family
than undermining marriage’ and right there he lost me because hasn’t he seen
that ‘The Strangers’ movie where those strangers attack that family? Well by
‘family’ I mean the beautiful Liv Tyler and one of the guys Felicity was
choosing between, but still. Also hasn’t he heard of this thing called
‘divorce’ because some would say that is undermining marriage a bit? But by far my favourite quote from Senator
Boswell was regarding his idea that all children should have a mother and a
father. He said, “Two mothers or two
fathers cannot raise a child properly. Who takes a boy to football? How does he
go camping and fishing?” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fIDc_97UrKo/UFhiNrzpO0I/AAAAAAAAAKE/ptwLMxtjKaw/s1600/oprah.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="207" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fIDc_97UrKo/UFhiNrzpO0I/AAAAAAAAAKE/ptwLMxtjKaw/s320/oprah.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Even Oprah and Gayle go fishing and they aren't even lesbians!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;">Now, I know you expect me to disagree with Mr Boswell on this
issue, but I actually can’t.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 150%;">He has
obviously done some solid research on this issue.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 150%;">He has been out and about in gay communities
discovering what gay people can and cannot do.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;">
</span><span style="line-height: 150%;">He has come to the correct conclusion. Everyone knows that all lesbians
HATE football and outdoor activities!!!</span><span style="line-height: 150%;">
</span><span style="line-height: 150%;">The amount of times I have never watched a football game and never
talked to my lesbian friends about football is literally in the millions!</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 150%;">So I thought before the next stage of the
debate I would just make a handy list of other things that lesbians hate to
help out Senator Boswell.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<b><u><span style="line-height: 150%;">Cats<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VWSlLE6gr6c/UFhiuoVRxPI/AAAAAAAAAKM/KIIKNdBWv0g/s1600/catsles.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VWSlLE6gr6c/UFhiuoVRxPI/AAAAAAAAAKM/KIIKNdBWv0g/s320/catsles.jpeg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Holding a cat, so obviously not a lesbian</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;">Oh my god, lesbians HATE cats. They hate talking about cats, volunteering at
pet shelters, taking photos of cats. Just everything about cats makes lesbians
skin crawl. I don’t know ANY lesbians
who own a cat, and none that I know would be caught dead owning a cat. Certainly if they DID own a cat, we wouldn't be friends.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<b><u><span style="line-height: 150%;">Tegan and Sara<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Zqdf2_gP1NM/UFhjDf94JVI/AAAAAAAAAKU/tTNryZVsRL4/s1600/tegan-and-sara.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="216" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Zqdf2_gP1NM/UFhjDf94JVI/AAAAAAAAAKU/tTNryZVsRL4/s320/tegan-and-sara.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gross</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;">If you did a poll of lesbians asking them who they hate most out of all people in the world, it would probably be Tegan and Sara.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 150%;">Everyone knows that lesbians hate cute rock
chicks with tattoos, ESPECIALLY if they are twins and also lesbians!</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 150%;">I nearly didn’t make it through this article
without vomiting. They just disgust me.</span></div>
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<b><u><span style="line-height: 150%;">Women</span></u></b></div>
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<b><u><span style="line-height: 150%;"><br /></span></u></b></div>
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<span style="line-height: 150%;">Now this is a big one, Mr Boswell. You should probably write
this one down for your next list.
Lesbians DESPISE women. If they
could go the rest of their lives without ever coming across another one, they
definitely would. They especially hate
attractive, strong and funny women. But
most of all they hate female actresses who play lesbians. Nothing drives them crazier and not in a good
way, like the image below! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 150%;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BiJ1zycE8zQ/UFhjVMwaECI/AAAAAAAAAKc/y5UKtFv9PWM/s1600/dmc.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BiJ1zycE8zQ/UFhjVMwaECI/AAAAAAAAAKc/y5UKtFv9PWM/s1600/dmc.jpeg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What a charisma combo!</td></tr>
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<span style="line-height: 150%;">Groups of lesbians definitely are NOT incredibly loyal
forever to ladies who ‘play gay’ and there is definitely not something called ‘Rizzlescon’
which is a convention of Rizzoli and Isles (mostly lesbian) fans.</span><span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 150%;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fnI7rvXSWf0/UFhjzZOQhBI/AAAAAAAAAKk/RZw0tVGAFKA/s1600/rl.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="179" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fnI7rvXSWf0/UFhjzZOQhBI/AAAAAAAAAKk/RZw0tVGAFKA/s320/rl.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">AND THERE IS ONLY IMPLIED LEZZY FEELINGS!</td></tr>
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<span style="line-height: 150%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 150%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 150%;">Anyway, that is a short and sweet list of things that the
Senator can use for his upcoming nonsensical rantings to prove why same-sex
couples can’t raise children and therefore shouldn’t get married. Because as
everyone knows all straight couples who get married have children, raise them perfectly
and the dads always take them fishing and camping and then they play catch in
the yard and the dad is an architect and they have a housekeeper named Alice. </span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Brocklesnitchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15946800767753953754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2360721646797736627.post-55096808200199988282012-09-07T21:43:00.000+10:002012-09-07T21:44:17.933+10:00Arrested Recreation<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Now that i've had a full day to adjust to the news that Amy Poehler and Will Arnett are separating, i am still not adjusted to the news that Amy and Will are separating. If you aren't aware, i am a huge fan of Amy and a huge fan of Will and so if you combine those 2 parts of being a huge fan of them individually and multiply it by them being a couple well then maths and etc. </div>
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The facts are, i love them. They are both hilarious and talented and just wonderful. Besides that, two of my all-time favourite television characters are Gob and Leslie Knope and THEY MARRIED EACH OTHER YOU GUYS. I was living in my own little world, safe and secure in the knowledge that two of the funniest people in the world were breeding fat little red haired children and being funny and making funny shows just for me. Humanity was safe.</div>
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But now. Well, this is the first time that i've been concerned that the Mayans were right. EXCUSE ME MAYANS, IS THE BELIEF IN TRUE LOVE THE FIRST THING TO CRUMBLE BEFORE THE REST OF THE WORLD FOLLOWS? </div>
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Before i shut the door on this forever, thereby never believing in love again (unless Amy starts dating Rashida Jones in which case God is Good) enjoy this video below of Will and Amy together, being really funny and sitting together and being cute and together and adorable to each other and together. Just like a family should be. Now who will i look to for symbols of love and togetherness? I guess it will have to my PARENTS who have been happily married for 34 years. I suppose they'll do. </div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/E1MymGnoDko?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br />Brocklesnitchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15946800767753953754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2360721646797736627.post-28051664596444987152012-08-22T23:36:00.000+10:002012-08-22T23:45:19.113+10:00Lover Craft?Hi there everyone! I've decided after drinking a cup of coffee at 11pm that i want to write a small blog thing about relationships. I know that some (none) of you see me as some of all-knowing, all-seeing, perfect 'Oracle' type, and you are correct to do so. So i am here to offer the best piece of advice i can think of regarding people you should get into relationships with. I guess it also applies to friends as well, but please don't ask me to be your friend i just have so many i only have pretty much every night available and also the entire weekend. <br />
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<br /></div>
<div>
There are so many things that you are looking for when finding an appropriate mate, it can be difficult. Luckily for us, Alanis Morissette put them into a handy list for us with her song '21 Things I Want in a Lover':<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
Not playing dirty when engaged in competition. </div>
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Big intellectual capacity but know that it alone does not equate wisdom.</div>
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See everything as an illusion.</div>
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Both masculine AND feminine.</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Lt5YYdN8fGQ/UDThD_mpSVI/AAAAAAAAAJo/RI6_ekC0yjQ/s1600/alanis_morissette_3.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Lt5YYdN8fGQ/UDThD_mpSVI/AAAAAAAAAJo/RI6_ekC0yjQ/s320/alanis_morissette_3.jpeg" width="234" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Both Alanis Morissette AND Marilyn Manson</td></tr>
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Politically aware.</div>
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Don't believe in capital punishment.</div>
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Uninhibited in bed, more than three times a week?</div>
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Athletic.</div>
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Are you not addicted.</div>
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That obviously isn't 21 things, but i think i can stop there because we get the picture. Except we don't really, because that list is a bit fucking nuts. Maybe it's because she's rich and famous and totes ironic. Let's see what some 'regular joes' want in a lover, based on some Yahoo answers i found.</div>
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Swagger.</div>
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Don't hit. </div>
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Confident.</div>
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Text to check on me.</div>
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Romantic.</div>
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A smile.</div>
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Compliance.</div>
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No arguing.</div>
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Logic - that is rare in a woman.</div>
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Effortless looks.</div>
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Strong.</div>
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Skinny but with perky boobs.</div>
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Big boobs.</div>
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Shorter than them, but not by much.</div>
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Your skin to be flawless.</div>
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No makeup. </div>
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MUSCLES!!</div>
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I could literally keep going until we all stabbed ourselves and each other in the face, but i will leave it there. I'll also leave it up to you to guess which of those are what guys like in girls, and vice versa. Let's just all agree that that society is fucked and wait for sweet, sweet release from it. </div>
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Now, far be it from me to disagree with Alanis Morrisette or the human garbage on Yahoo answers, but there is one thing that i've found to be incredibly accurate when judging if someone is worthy of your love or friendship. Surprisingly this thing ISN'T if they laugh at your jokes or not, but that IS really important to me and also probably why i'm alone in this cave. Anyway, the thing that i like to keep an eye out for is a bit more subtle than making sure the person isn't a racist or a homophobe or an overt cunt, because people probably know you are looking out for that. I personally think the main thing you should keep an eye out for is how they treat a select group of people. WHAT A COINCIDENCE HERE ARE THOSE PEOPLE:</div>
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<u>People serving them</u></div>
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Whenever i am out and about (being very fashionable and popular) and I see someone be rude to a barista, or yell at a server who makes an honest mistake, i cannot figure out how that person is loved by anyone. I mean, the barista is BIRTHING THE SWEET NECTAR OF LIFE FOR YOU. Note there is an important difference between complaining about bad service and being an arsehole. It's an easy distinction to make. Personally i never complain because i am a coward who hates confrontation and i once literally waited three hours for dinner at a pub because they were understaffed and the waitresses were trying their best, but i know there are situations that call for it. If the person you are interested in treats people in retail settings who are trying their best like shit, please have a think about what you are doing (run).</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jCGzLX3_NUQ/UDTW54ZdvNI/AAAAAAAAAJQ/AFOPPywoRxo/s1600/waitress352x470.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jCGzLX3_NUQ/UDTW54ZdvNI/AAAAAAAAAJQ/AFOPPywoRxo/s400/waitress352x470.jpeg" width="298" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Please don't be CROSSant with me.</td></tr>
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<u>Cleaners</u></div>
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It may surprise you to learn that even though i have the porcelain white skin and soft hands of a member of the royal family, i actually come from hard working people with collars the deepest blue colour you could ever imagine in your puny brain. Seriously, the Smurfs would be like 'What the FUCK is that colour'. Because of this kind of family history, i can totally relate to Tom Waterhouse because my grandmother was a school cleaner for a hundred years, and my mother has been in the cleaning business for about 25 years. My dad is a bit fancier, he is what they call a 'butcher' or 'boocher'. I also became a cleaner for a brief period in my life, so i have first hand experience in being treated like a speck of dog poo on the underside of a person's shoe. If you are curious about the dickishness level of the person you are dating, i recommend taking them to a shopping centre food court and seeing how they behave towards the cleaners. Are they someone who throws pickles at the window and then tells the cleaner to fuck off when they are asked to stop? Are they someone who yells at a cleaner earning $15 dollars an hour on an incredibly busy Saturday because they didn't clear a table fast enough? If you answered yes, we may have already met and again, reconsider.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-oPxviVUK__o/UDTYPHa8egI/AAAAAAAAAJY/i_G3MHGPofA/s1600/cleaner2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-oPxviVUK__o/UDTYPHa8egI/AAAAAAAAAJY/i_G3MHGPofA/s320/cleaner2.jpeg" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Please don't clean out my self-esteem with your words</td></tr>
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So, you can tell a lot about people by the way they treat retail workers, cleaners, fat people, bus drivers, old people, people with disabilities, and other 'invisible people' in our society. Chances are if they are unreasonable arseholes to them, they will eventually be an unreasonable arsehole to you. Even if they are as handsome as Ryan Gosling, if they are mean to a person earning minimum wage in a shitty job, that is not a good sign. In my opinion those are the people that you should be EXTRA nice to precisely because a lot of society isn't. If you can't make society better, the least you can do is to deny the assholes pleasure. And anyway i bet that Ryan Gosling is really nice and sexy to cleaners. </div>
Brocklesnitchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15946800767753953754noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2360721646797736627.post-54896014178507810952012-05-27T01:36:00.000+10:002012-05-27T15:35:49.496+10:00Shirty Thirty<span style="font-size: large; line-height: 150%; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">WELL HELLO THERE! Welcome to my brain
again I’m not sure why you are here or what you want </span></span><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large; line-height: 150%; text-align: left;">from me! Pardon
me; I’m a bit overstimulated from watching Eurovision for the first year! On an </span><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large; line-height: 150%; text-align: left;">unrelated note, from now on I wish to be called Beque, which is the Eurotrash
spelling of my name. Anyway, I’m just writing this very quick post because I thought
you should know I’m coming up to my 30</span><sup style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 150%; text-align: left;">th </sup><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large; line-height: 150%; text-align: left;">birthday (your
internet presence is my present). Because of this, my old tired eyes
are starting to be drawn to articles titled ‘Things you should have
accomplished by 30’ and ‘This article is designed to make you feel inadequate
and panic about how nothing is right in your life’ and such. Of course I never click on any of these articles, because unless it says that you
should have no money, no career, a serious relationship with your cat & you
spend your time tweeting about reality shows, it’s probably just going to make
me feel bad. Oh and it will probably say something about your superannuation AND MINE IS SUCH A MESS OH MY GOD I'M SO PANIC STRICKEN THAT I CONTINUE TO NEVER SORT IT OUT.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large; line-height: 150%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large; line-height: 150%;">Instead I have decided to write a quick blog post, but it’s not about where you should be when you are 30, because what
do I fucking know? I think writing a list of where every 30 year old
should be in their life is as ridiculous as writing horoscopes that can supposedly apply to
everyone. (Except if tomorrow's horoscope for Scorpio is something great in
which case i totally believe). Instead I wanted to write about a few
things I assumed when I was younger that I would learn to love when I got
older. Seeing as I’m not quite a girl, not yet a woman I thought it would be a
good time to tackle it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b><u><span style="line-height: 150%;">Olives</span></u></b><b><span style="line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b><u><span style="line-height: 150%;"><br /></span></u></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large; line-height: 150%;">Oh olives. There are so many
good things about you. You can say ‘olive you’ instead of I love
you, and someone will marry you immediately because they'll be so impressed with your wit. The character
from Popeye ‘Olive Oyl’ is a cool flapper. Sure, she seems to be
constantly getting kidnapped and assaulted by the SAME guy, but nobody else seems to mind so
who am I to judge. Along with this, Kristen Chenoweth plays a character named Olive Snook on the show Pushing Daisies and fucking hell she is adorable, so go ahead and watch that. I also really like cooking with Olive Oil,
especially because I like to imagine Lucille Ball stomping olives like grapes until there
is enough olive juice to fill my bottle. Pretty confident that is
how it works.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 24px;"><a href="http://s1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/?action=view&current=grape-stomp-i-love-lucy-2.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="grape-stomp-i-love-lucy" border="0" src="http://i1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/grape-stomp-i-love-lucy-2.jpg" /></a></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large; line-height: 150%;">On top of this, olives are small and good at being
party foods, there are many different types and you can stuff things inside
them and also fry them. I have tried them and tried them, but I just
don’t like them, I’m sorry! What are you the Olive police?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 24px;"><a href="http://s1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/?action=view&current=oliveia-1.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="oliveia" border="0" src="http://i1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/oliveia-1.jpg" /></a></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large; line-height: 150%;">I may just have an aversion to olives because of my experience with then when i was young. They would always be sadly sitting in a 80s
food platter </span><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large; line-height: 150%;">next to some toothpicks strung with kabana, a cube of cheese and </span><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large; line-height: 150%;">cocktail onions. One Christmas I ate about 50 of these Toothpicked
Delights (yes i have a genius naming things talent) as I drowned my sorrows in
the fact that my 3 brothers received awesome water pistols from my uncle, and
he had given me a DRESS. I will leave writing about the problem with gendered gift giving to people much smarter to me, but safe to safe it was FUCKING BULLSHIT. I had tears streaming down my face as I
shovelled the Toothpicked Delights in, and once they were all gone i tried a olive. It tasted terrible, especially with the added seasoning of a young girls tears. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b><u><span style="line-height: 150%;">Red Wine</span></u></b><b><span style="line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large; line-height: 150%;">It may be hard to believe because I
NEVER tweet about Whisky Sours, but I enjoy the odd alcoholic beverage. I
am willing and open to try all alcoholic things, as long as they don’t taste
like liquorice. I even have friends who work in the wine business,
where I imagine they just wander around swirling and spitting out wine from 9-5
and then a whistle blows and they punch out with those old timey cards, and I
have ZERO desire to be set straight on that. But I just have never reached
the point where I enjoy red wine, and it appears I never will. I
realise this, along with my love of Rugby League and the fact that I’m a
Queenslander does make me less human than the rest of you, but it is what it
is.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large; line-height: 150%;">My main red wine memory is that my
lovely parents have had an ongoing ‘argument’ for as long as I can remember
about the song ‘Red Red Wine’. My mum loves it & my dad pretends to hate
it, and we all find it so funny, and for some reason this comes up quite often
and yes I do get my sense of humour from my parents so I suppose this explains
a lot. I also happen to love red wine in cooking; for example I just love a JUS OR
TWO (thankyou, i know), I love wed wine gravy (but let's be honest any gravy), and I also love Italian
cooking with red wine in it JUST LIKE MAMA!!!! I have spent quite a few
years trying to convince myself that I like red wine, because it has been so
readily available for free because that is what a lot of parents drink, and i am all about opening myself to as many free things as possible. I
think the main issue is the temperature, and my poor tiny feeble brain just cannot understand why my
mouth would want to drink something that is neither hot not cold. IT JUST
DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. Well now I’m just ‘red whining’ so I’ll leave
that one there. Do you think if I drank more red wine I would make less
terrible puns? I guess we’ll never know, sucks to be you.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b><u><span style="line-height: 150%;">Ballet</span></u></b><b><span style="line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large; line-height: 150%;">Now this one is tricky, because I
have really only had exposure to ballet through pop culture and occasionally on
SBS. But seriously, if Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis can’t get me
to enjoy ballet, nobody can. Originally I loved the idea of ballet
because Jesse in the Babysitters Club did it, but then there was bulimia and
bullying and so much hard work and I was exhausted just reading about it. I assumed
that one day when I got older I would come around to actually liking to watch
ballet, but then something happened that put the final nail in the
coffin. That nail was named 'Save the Last Dance' and it came out in early 2001.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 24px;"><a href="http://s1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/?action=view&current=jstil-1.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="jstil" border="0" src="http://i1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/jstil-1.jpg" /></a></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large; line-height: 150%;">For those of you who don't know (congratulations if you don't) it stars my late nineties/up until this
day crush Julia Stiles as a young ballet dancer who stops dancing when her mum
dies hurrying to watch her Julliard audition or something. Then she has to move to
Chicago and she meets an.....AFRICAN AMERICAN BOY and oh wow does that ever
cause problems and old people give them the stink-eye on the train when they are kissing, but it’s
okay because he’s trying to get into medical school. He
also has a sister named Chenille, I know that much. And the boy and
Julia Stiles go to a club where white people don’t usually go because they are only good at ballet and line dancing, and so Julia
Stiles the whitest person on the planet goes and they dance sexy together. Then
there is a song about telling chickenheads to be quiet? This somehow helps her get her classical ballet groove back and then she gets into some other program, but I wanted her
to stay dancing in that club until the end of time so I am against ballet
forever.</span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><u><span style="line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Sex With Men</span></span></u></b><b><span style="line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<b><u><span style="line-height: 150%;"><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Pretty self explanatory.</span></div>
</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>Brocklesnitchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15946800767753953754noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2360721646797736627.post-61104476739614277222012-04-26T18:47:00.001+10:002012-05-27T01:36:50.029+10:00Les Be Friends!<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Following on from my last post
about seeing platonic female friendships in television shows, I’ve decided to talk
a little bit about NON-platonic female relationships in television. That’s right, I mean LESBIONICS! (That’s just
slang, I don’t mean lesbian robots. Although that sounds pretty great and let’s
be honest, Rosie from The Jetsons was a single, butch, 45 year old STRAIGHT
robot? I have my doubts).</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 24px;"><a href="http://s1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/?action=view&current=photo_ROSIE2-1.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="photo_ROSIE2" border="0" src="http://i1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/photo_ROSIE2-1.jpg" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 24px;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 24px;"><i><b><span style="font-size: x-small;">Rosie was built with the only lesbian chip in the factory. She is destined to be alone.</span></b></i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
Just a note, pretty much all of the things I mention
can be applied to the GBTQI part of the acronym also (and it’s much worse for
some of those letters), but I’ll be specifically talking about the L as that’s
my letter. THIS IS MY ALPHABET SOUP GET YOUR OWN FAMILY RECIPE.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
Anyway, this might be news to my
LITERALLY THOUSANDS of male admirers, but I am in fact one of these lesbian
people. (If you just passed out from
shock or sadness and are reading this again ten minutes later, please make sure
you see a doctor if you got a head knock). Also, don’t be too upset that you
didn’t realise, because unless having a long-term girlfriend and tweeting about
cats constantly is a signifier, even Jessica Fletcher herself couldn’t have
figured it out. And Fletch can sniff out a lesbian like nobodies business. I’m unsure why that last sentence was so
upsetting, but I can’t delete it because I’m lazy so you’ll just have to deal. <span style="line-height: 150%;">That reminds me, how good was
Jennifer Love Hewitt’s ‘How do I deal?’</span><span style="line-height: 150%;">
</span><span style="line-height: 150%;">Okay, before I left just then to watch the film clip for ‘How do I
deal?’ I </span><span style="line-height: 150%;">WAS going to say I had gotten
off topic, but I really hadn’t because ‘Love’ Hewitt (that’s what her friends
call her) was very prevalent in my early lesbian development. By that I mean I
was watching her on Party of Five when I was 13, pretending to fancy Scott Wolf
and his dimples, but actually ‘Loving’ Love instead (see what I did there, who
said lesbians don’t have a sense of humour?)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="line-height: 150%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 24px;"><a href="http://s1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/?action=view&current=jlh-1.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="jlh" border="0" src="http://i1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/jlh-1.jpg" /></a></span><i style="font-size: small; line-height: 24px;"> </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
The thing about being a lesbian lady of my age (very young and beautiful)
or older, is that it was very rare that you got to see any kind of
representation of yourself on the screen.
Gay kids these days have it a little bit easier what with their Glee
programme where estranged brothers sing a Goyte love song to each other and teen sexting and such. I had to walk ten miles in the snow with no
shoes on to see a lesbian on television! As a straight person you don’t really have
to think about what it is like to never see some kind of reflection of yourself
epitomised on screen. You are constantly
surrounded with vision and stories of heterosexual people meeting, dating,
falling in love, having sex, having complicated relationships, and having lives
together. You have the opportunity to
seek out a character or a movie that you identify with, because there are so
many examples for you to choose from. You
never have to worry that you probably aren’t normal because nobody acts like
you on your favourite television shows.
You get to recognise yourself in Dylan because you too have a scar in
your eyebrow and you also like pashing crazy brunettes named Brenda. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 24px;"><a href="http://s1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/?action=view&current=DylanBrenda-1.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="DylanBrenda-1" border="0" src="http://i1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/DylanBrenda-1.jpg" /></a></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 24px;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 24px;"><i><b>Can you identify with wearing this much denim?</b></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
For me, the first major development in finally seeing something along
these lines makes me sound VERY VERY COOL.
As a teenage lesbian in a small town, I was taping (yes taping on VHS I’m
old lol) the show Buffy each week in the desperate hope that Tara would be in
the episode, and perhaps I would see her and Willow hold hands or KISS!!!! or even
look at each lovingly. This probably
explains why I am now only attracted to witches. Those few moments each week filled up my tank
with enough lesbian juice to keep me going.
I don’t think you can understand what it feels like to finally see two
girls love each in a romantic way when you are a teenager unless you are
deprived of those images whilst simultaneously ONLY EVER THINKING ABOUT THAT because
of hormones. It’s something that
heterosexual people will never experience, because it’s impossible to get away
from seeing it. Trust me, I spend most
of my time yelling ‘YUCK STRAIGHTIES KISSING’ at the television.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 24px;"><a href="http://s1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/?action=view&current=virg-1.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="virg" border="0" src="http://i1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/virg-1.jpg" /></a></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="font-size: small; line-height: 24px;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="line-height: 24px;"><b><span style="font-size: x-small;">How did EVERYONE not become gay after this?</span></b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
These days it is slightly better (at least on American television), with
LGBT characters accounting for about 3% of series regulars in 2011. That
still isn’t high, and if you split that percentage between gay men and lesbian
characters, and then split THAT percentage into characters you actually
identify with on any other level other than sexual identity, it’s still very rare
to have a fulfilling experience. I think
proof of the problem is that most lesbians have happily watched a pretty terrible
show like The L Word. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
The problem also extends to movies, where not only are gay characters
rare, but were historically evil/gross/suicidal/murdered. And in the case of lesbian characters, you
also have the incredibly well-worn category of going back to men/getting
pregnant to a man/ending up with a man.
There are very few movies about lesbians that are good, well-made movies
where the lesbians survive and are happy and are still lesbians at the
end. Instead you have to go on YouTube
and watch videos where (lonely heroes of society) people have cut together scenes of a show or
movie so it <i>looks</i> like they are gay,
usually set to a Shania Twain song. I mean, if you want to do that, you weirdo.
Of course I never would. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p style="line-height: 24px;"><a href="http://s1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/?action=view&current=819426-256-424178.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" src="http://i1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/819426-256-424178.jpg" /></a></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p style="line-height: 24px;"><br /></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p style="line-height: 24px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><b><i>Rizzoli and Isles will never leave us for men..if we edit the show to reflect our desires and put it on youtube</i></b></span></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
Anyway, I think it is getting better, and I hope it continues to improve for all the gay kids out there. But MOSTLY I hope that someone invents a time machine and goes back and stops the movie
Gigli from being made. That’s basically
what this whole blog post was leading up to.
Please someone go back in time and incapacitate Ben Affleck or J-Lo in
some way. I suggest the hobbling scene
from Misery. Just stop that atrocity. Lesbians deserve better. As does general society. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Brocklesnitchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15946800767753953754noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2360721646797736627.post-12107181300017363472012-04-05T23:48:00.000+10:002012-12-03T19:18:47.020+10:00<div style="text-align: center;">
<u><b><span style="font-size: 14pt;">FOR PARKS AND RECREATION FANS
AND THEN THE REST OF YOU IDIOTS</span></b></u></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><b>NOTE FOR PARKS AND REC FANS</b>: You are winning at life. You can continue reading, but just know that you are already superior.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 14pt;">Now. If you know me in real life,
or follow my twitter, or have seen me walking around Brisbane in a certain
t-shirt, or have heard my certain television program theme-song ringtone, you would know that I love this show
called ‘Parks and Recreation’ aka THE BEST SHOW ON TELEVISION. NO BIG DEAL OR ANYTHING.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;">I’m not talking the kind of
lightweight ‘love’ that people fling about willy-nilly these days. I’m talking about the kind of love that never
dies. The kind of love that is only
awoken by the kiss of a sweet prince. I
don’t know what this means, but I think you get the very creepy picture. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;">Let me clarify, I don’t love
it in a sexual way. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;">Except for some of it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">NOTE FOR IDIOTS WHO HAVEN’T WATCHED IT</span></b><span style="font-size: 14pt;">: I am almost definitely going to convince you to
watch it by the time you’ve finished this entry. Take my contentious advice and skip the first
season (6 episodes). You can go back and
see them later. Season 2 is the BUSINESS.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 14pt;">Moving on. There are <b>literally </b>(you would understand that this is a very
funny reference if you watched) a million things I could talk about as
to why I love this show. I want to talk
about one in particular, but first let me show you a few of the other reasons. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
RON FUCKING SWANSON</div>
<br />
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<a href="http://s1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/?action=view&current=ronsalad1-1.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="184" src="http://i1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/ronsalad1-1.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span></div>
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<br />
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<a href="http://s1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/?action=view&current=ronsalad2.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="185" src="http://i1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/ronsalad2.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
</div>
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<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
ANDY THE LABRADOR</div>
<br />
<br />
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<a href="http://s1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/?action=view&current=tumblr_lmwax0ohVo1qgn4cpo1_400.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="136" src="http://i1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/tumblr_lmwax0ohVo1qgn4cpo1_400.gif" width="320" /> </a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
APRIL</div>
<br />
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<a href="http://s1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/?action=view&current=april.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="320" src="http://i1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/april.gif" width="155" /> </a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
BEN</div>
<br />
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<a href="http://s1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/?action=view&current=ben.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" src="http://i1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/ben.gif" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
DAMMIT JERRY</div>
<br />
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<a href="http://s1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/?action=view&current=tumblr_lzxp8hBV7I1r5g3pyo1_500.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="184" src="http://i1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/tumblr_lzxp8hBV7I1r5g3pyo1_500.gif" width="320" /> </a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
MY TWITTER BFF DONNA</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://s1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/?action=view&current=donna.gif" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="213" src="http://i1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/donna.gif" width="400" /></a> </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
BEAUTIFUL CHRIS</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://s1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/?action=view&current=chris.gif" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="200" src="http://i1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/chris.gif" width="198" /> </a><br />
<br />
TOM HAVERFORD<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WjeV9JKTv7E/ULwZxDXzY9I/AAAAAAAAAMM/jt4exyAt6fQ/s1600/tom-haverford.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="143" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WjeV9JKTv7E/ULwZxDXzY9I/AAAAAAAAAMM/jt4exyAt6fQ/s320/tom-haverford.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;">If seeing these gifs aren't
enough to make you want to watch it RIGHT NOW, then I don’t even know how you
got here and you should probably go away before I say something I regret. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;">Besides the wonderful main characters, the amazing guest stars (Louis CK, Will Arnett aka the only man i'll ever love etc), my absolute
favourite thing about this show is the relationship depicted between Leslie
Knope (the stah) and her best friend Ann Perkins (the most beautiful lady). THIS IS NOT A LESBIAN THING BEFORE YOU
ASSUME. WELL MY FEELINGS TOWARD THEM SEPARATELY IS SOMETIMES A LESBIAN THING, I MEAN HAVE YOU SEEN RASHIDA JONES, BUT THE THING BETWEEN THEM IS NOT A LESBIAN THING- OKAY THAT IS
CLEAR NOW I THINK, YOU FILTHY PERVERTS.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;">Anyhoo, I was planning to go
on and on about how wonderful it is to see an expressive relationship between
two women where their friendship isn’t all about men, and how they don’t
compete or treat each other badly. And
how rare that is, and how just that one thing makes Parks & Rec worth watching. And how easily they say they love each other,
or are affectionate towards each other, and how we need more representatives of
THAT kind of female friendship, which is common in real life, but
underrepresented in pop culture.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;">But instead I just looked at
pictures and gifs from the show for two hours, and I’m tired. I’ll leave you with a few of those instead. Pictures
paint a thousand words and their pictures are much prettier than my words or whatever that saying is. After this, if you still don’t
want to watch – you are a soulless monster who doesn’t deserve love. Too harsh? </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<a href="http://s1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/?action=view&current=la3.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="178" src="http://i1155.photobucket.com/albums/p554/Brocklesnitch/la3.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: 14pt;"></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
NO THAT OBVIOUSLY WASN'T TOO HARSH, WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE GO AND WATCH IT RIGHT NOW YOU MONSTER!!!</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"> </span><span style="font-size: xx-small;">*gifs from <cite><b>fuckyeahparksandrec</b>.tumblr.com</cite></span></div>
Brocklesnitchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15946800767753953754noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2360721646797736627.post-84585330375365260302012-03-18T22:06:00.000+10:002012-03-18T22:07:40.215+10:00Queensdamned<div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Hello interstate friends!! I have reactivated my old blog to write a very quick but important post about current events and politics happening in Queensland. First let me just get this totally random point out into the ether - i am a LOT of fun to have around a house.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Oh, on a
completely different topic – did you guys know that the Queensland state
election is coming up this weekend? Did you also know that the LNP are
essentially going to wipe out the ALP? And that Campbell Newman, a hateful,
spiteful excuse for a human is going to be the Premier of my lovely
state? Here is Antony Green’s (shout-out Antony, you dirty dawg) analysis
if you need proof. WHY DON’T YOU EVER JUST TRUST ME? GOD! http://bit.ly/xNsGf3</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">So all of this setup is just
to inform you all that I will soon need somewhere to live that isn’t in QLD. Here are some things to convince you to let
me come and live with YOU, the lucky viewer.
I realise that there will probably be a lot of you clamouring to get me,
so I’ll come up with sort of Hunger Games scenario where you fight to the death
or offer me perks or something. Don’t
worry your pretty head about it. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><u>POINTS OF IMPORTANCE </u></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;">1.<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span>I am a
lesbian. If you are a straight lady this means I will not hit on your
boyfriend. Only on you, possibly. But not in a weird way. (See point 4)</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;">2.<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span>After
never having a proper career or stable job, I am very, VERY good at making
coffee.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;">3.<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span> I have impeccable taste in television. In
addition to this, I know that you should love what I love, and I’m willing to
talk at you for literally HOURS about this until you acquiesce and do what I
want (this can also apply to any and all other topics that exist in life).</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;">4.<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span>I have
impeccable taste in tequila, and I mostly always know when to stop drinking
before I vomit. Mostly. </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;">5.<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span>I have
500 or so followers on twitter. I will get them to follow you. Chances are you
have 3 to 50 times more than that already, but it’s the thought that counts.
Oh, and they also probably won’t follow you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;">6.<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span>I can
bake. I am the opposite of Nigella. However, I DO go ‘Gordon Ramsay crossed
with the Hulk’ mad if I don’t do things perfectly, but I think we can all agree
smashing shit is fun. Also cleaning up shattered glass is fun!!!!!</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;">7.<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span>I was
born & raised in Queensland. This
means that at State of Origin time, you will have at least one winner living in
your house (this point is for a very select group of people).</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;">8.<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span>I have
size 11 feet. So if you also have giant man feet, you can feel free to borrow
from my five pairs of shoes. I hope you like men’s shoes from Rivers or Target
thongs!!!!!!!!!</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;">9.<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span>I COME
WITH A PRE-MADE CAT. SHE IS ALSO THE BEST CAT IN THE WORLD.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;">10.<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span>I spend a lot of time hanging out with my cat,
so I won’t bother you and your stupid no-cat or inferior cat.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;">11.<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span>I won’t have a job, so this will give you the
opportunity to find me one and won’t that make you feel good about yourself?</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-indent: -18pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;">12.<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span>Related to the above point, I won’t have any
money. But most self-made millionaires
come from having no money. Please see Jewel’s
‘A Night Without Armor: Poems’. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-left: 18pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;">There is
really no limit to the amount of awesome things that I could list, but I think
twelve points is probably enough for you to make a decision. Make sure it’s the right one. By this I mean, pick me pick me pick me.
PLEASE. I can’t be held responsible for
my actions (it involves the foetal position and crying) if I have to live here
under the LNP. Also, I’ve started
writing one of these for international friends if Tony Abbott becomes Prime
Minister, and I’ll take you with me. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<br /></div>Brocklesnitchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15946800767753953754noreply@blogger.com1