Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Lover Craft?

Hi there everyone! I've decided after drinking a cup of coffee at 11pm that i want to write a small blog thing about relationships.  I know that some (none) of you see me as some of all-knowing, all-seeing, perfect 'Oracle' type, and you are correct to do so.  So i am here to offer the best piece of advice i can think of regarding people you should get into relationships with. I guess it also applies to friends as well, but please don't ask me to be your friend i just have so many i only have pretty much every night available and also the entire weekend.

There are so many things that you are looking for when finding an appropriate mate, it can be difficult. Luckily for us, Alanis Morissette put them into a handy list for us with her song '21 Things I Want in a Lover':

Not playing dirty when engaged in competition. 
Big intellectual capacity but know that it alone does not equate wisdom.
See everything as an illusion.
Both masculine AND feminine.

Both Alanis Morissette AND Marilyn Manson

Politically aware.
Don't believe in capital punishment.
Uninhibited in bed, more than three times a week?
Are you not addicted.

That obviously isn't 21 things, but i think i can stop there because we get the picture.  Except we don't really, because that list is a bit fucking nuts.  Maybe it's because she's rich and famous and totes ironic. Let's see what some 'regular joes' want in a lover, based on some Yahoo answers i found.

Don't hit. 
Text to check on me.
A smile.
No arguing.
Logic - that is rare in a woman.
Effortless looks.
Skinny but with perky boobs.
Big boobs.
Shorter than them, but not by much.
Your skin to be flawless.
No makeup. 

I could literally keep going until we all stabbed ourselves and each other in the face, but i will leave it there.  I'll also leave it up to you to guess which of those are what guys like in girls, and vice versa. Let's just all agree that that society is fucked and wait for sweet, sweet release from it. 

Now, far be it from me to disagree with Alanis Morrisette or the human garbage on Yahoo answers, but there is one thing that i've found to be incredibly accurate when judging if someone is worthy of your love or friendship.  Surprisingly this thing ISN'T if they laugh at your jokes or not, but that IS really important to me and also probably why i'm alone in this cave.  Anyway, the thing that i like to keep an eye out for is a bit more subtle than making sure the person isn't a racist or a homophobe or an overt cunt, because people probably know you are looking out for that.  I personally think the main thing you should keep an eye out for is how they treat a select group of people. WHAT A COINCIDENCE HERE ARE THOSE PEOPLE:

People serving them

Whenever i am out and about (being very fashionable and popular) and I see someone be rude to a barista, or yell at a server who makes an honest mistake, i cannot figure out how that person is loved by anyone.  I mean, the barista is BIRTHING THE SWEET NECTAR OF LIFE FOR YOU.  Note there is an important difference between complaining about bad service and being an arsehole.  It's an easy distinction to make. Personally i never complain because i am a coward who hates confrontation and i once literally waited three hours for dinner at a pub because they were understaffed and the waitresses were trying their best, but i know there are situations that call for it.  If the person you are interested in treats people in retail settings who are trying their best like shit, please have a think about what you are doing (run).

Please don't be CROSSant with me.

It may surprise you to learn that even though i have the porcelain white skin and soft hands of a member of the royal family, i actually come from hard working people with collars the deepest blue colour you could ever imagine in your puny brain.  Seriously, the Smurfs would be like 'What the FUCK is that colour'.  Because of this kind of family history, i can totally relate to Tom Waterhouse because my grandmother was a school cleaner for a hundred years, and my mother has been in the cleaning business for about 25 years.  My dad is a bit fancier, he is what they call a 'butcher' or 'boocher'.  I also became a cleaner for a brief period in my life, so i have first hand experience in being treated like a speck of dog poo on the underside of a person's shoe.  If you are curious about the dickishness level of the person you are dating, i recommend taking them to a shopping centre food court and seeing how they behave towards the cleaners.  Are they someone who throws pickles at the window and then tells the cleaner to fuck off when they are asked to stop? Are they someone who yells at a cleaner earning $15 dollars an hour on an incredibly busy Saturday because they didn't clear a table fast enough?  If you answered yes, we may have already met and again, reconsider.

Please don't clean out my self-esteem with your words

So, you can tell a lot about people by the way they treat retail workers, cleaners, fat people, bus drivers, old people, people with disabilities, and other 'invisible people' in our society.  Chances are if they are unreasonable arseholes to them, they will eventually be an unreasonable arsehole to you.  Even if they are as handsome as Ryan Gosling, if they are mean to a person earning minimum wage in a shitty job, that is not a good sign. In my opinion those are the people that you should be EXTRA nice to precisely because a lot of society isn't. If you can't make society better, the least you can do is to deny the assholes pleasure.  And anyway i bet that Ryan Gosling is really nice and sexy to cleaners. 


Mash said...

You said it kiddo!

Anne said...

Totally, completely, utterly. Pretty much the reason I broke up with my last boyfriend.

PS you are hilariously witty and gorgeous. [fawns]

shellity said...

One of the worst things about humans is that Tom Cruise gets paid millions of dollars more than cleaners do.

Fidge said...

This is excellent! Handy guide for the solo spinsters such as myself. I also feel how one treats animals is quite telling.

Anonymous said...

I was directed to this blog because of your article about Boswell's views on gay marriage. Good as that was, your entry about what to keep an eye on with lovers was what totally won me! You are magnificent!

I'd also add how they treat animals (along with Fidge, above), people asking for money in the street and disabled people.

Nice going, girl!

Brocklesnitch said...

Thanks Anonymous! You are my favourite person today.

Philly said...

1. I possibly love you. I include possibly as a qualifier as I have only read three of your blog posts and so declarations of love may seem a little hasty at this stage. But I'm fairly sure. The blog is banging. Please keep it up.
2. I temporarily work in retail and before that schlepped it for many a year as a barista so I appreciate this particular post a million times a million. Thank you and may cookies and blessings rain down on you for eternity.