Thursday, September 5, 2013


Get 8 hours sleep:

Go to bed at a reasonable hour. Turn off all screens, even put away that book. Try to relax. Clear your mind of everything, let sleep wash over your body. Lie awake for several hours worrying about everything. Think about all the super accounts that you need to consolidate. Think about how your have no career. Think about your parents dying. Think about how the world will most definitely end soon, in one way or another, and try to guess which year this will happen. Will the children you haven’t had yet live to see their children graduate high school? Should you even have children? Should you become an anti-choice activist, but in this case you don’t want anyone to be allowed to choose to have children at all? Wake up at 6am after falling into a restless sleep at 3am. You don’t remember falling asleep, but your hands are clenched into fists.

Avoid negative people and conflict:

Don’t allow time-thieves to steal away your time. Avoid talking about politics or religion with colleagues, your friends, your family. Never visit websites or forums where negative people trying to get a rise out of you hang out. Just have fun with people, talk about movies and puppies. Use twitter obsessively. Read the #auspol hashtag. Respond to all the racist, homophobic, sexist trolls that seek you out. Read terrible news sites with awful journalists. On the most divisive articles ensure that you for some reason sit down and read every single comment from the stupidest people in the world. Hate every second of it. Rage at the world around you, feel despair for the future. Friend all the acquaintances you have on Facebook, so you can learn to hate them from their naïve and ridiculous beliefs before really knowing them. Take a break from writing these very words to read a list created by bigoted Christians listing the crazy reasons they disagree with the idea of same-sex marriage. Get mad, but keep reading. Never stop reading.

Have pets:

Pets are very important for your mental health and well-being. Have at least one cat that loves you and you love it. If you like, get a dog. A dog means unconditional love, something to help you exercise and something to hug. If you have cats and dogs, make sure to worry about every cat and dog that you don’t have. Be unable to go past pet shops that sell animals for profit, because you want to throw a chair through their stupid windows. Never, ever go to a shelter or look at animals for adoption online because you will end up in tears that you can’t adopt every animal. Feel a deep feeling of despair when you see a dog on the street, and stop your car no matter where you are going. Always ruin your plans to collect it in case a car hits it and you will not be able to live with yourself. You probably wouldn't know if a car hit it, but are a pessimist and will assume it. Take it to the local vet for identification; spend hours making sure it finds it way home. Feel sad that you cannot take it home.

Appreciate silence: Society moves so fast these days. Make sure you take time to switch off from the fast-paced world each day. Switch off everything that makes noise and find a comfortable place to sit. Breathe deeply and enjoy the time your brain now has to *really* think. Make sure each night you download enough podcasts so that there will never be one moment during the following day that noise isn’t playing in your ears. Never ever, not even once have silence in your ears at a bus stop or train station, lest you overhear the awful things other humans have to say. If you get the opportunity at work, try not to remove your headphones. Do not connect with the sounds of the outside world (as much as possible). When you arrive home, switch on music or the television immediately. Talk to your pets to break any silences that might exist. Call friends, family members. Make telemarketers uncomfortable with how needy you are. Never be alone with your terrifying thoughts. Until bedtime, when they will then keep you awake. Turn on a noise machine so you can have the terrifying thoughts with sound in the background.

I hope these tips from my life make your life a little bit better. Let's all enjoy the next few days, as there is absolutely nothing that's going to happen on Saturday to make us miserable.

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Emma Mason said...
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Rakhi G said...

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