Hello interstate friends!! I have reactivated my old blog to write a very quick but important post about current events and politics happening in Queensland. First let me just get this totally random point out into the ether - i am a LOT of fun to have around a house.
Oh, on a
completely different topic – did you guys know that the Queensland state
election is coming up this weekend? Did you also know that the LNP are
essentially going to wipe out the ALP? And that Campbell Newman, a hateful,
spiteful excuse for a human is going to be the Premier of my lovely
state? Here is Antony Green’s (shout-out Antony, you dirty dawg) analysis
if you need proof. WHY DON’T YOU EVER JUST TRUST ME? GOD! http://bit.ly/xNsGf3
So all of this setup is just
to inform you all that I will soon need somewhere to live that isn’t in QLD. Here are some things to convince you to let
me come and live with YOU, the lucky viewer.
I realise that there will probably be a lot of you clamouring to get me,
so I’ll come up with sort of Hunger Games scenario where you fight to the death
or offer me perks or something. Don’t
worry your pretty head about it.
POINTS OF IMPORTANCE
1.
I am a
lesbian. If you are a straight lady this means I will not hit on your
boyfriend. Only on you, possibly. But not in a weird way. (See point 4)
2.
After
never having a proper career or stable job, I am very, VERY good at making
coffee.
3.
I have impeccable taste in television. In
addition to this, I know that you should love what I love, and I’m willing to
talk at you for literally HOURS about this until you acquiesce and do what I
want (this can also apply to any and all other topics that exist in life).
4.
I have
impeccable taste in tequila, and I mostly always know when to stop drinking
before I vomit. Mostly.
5.
I have
500 or so followers on twitter. I will get them to follow you. Chances are you
have 3 to 50 times more than that already, but it’s the thought that counts.
Oh, and they also probably won’t follow you.
6.
I can
bake. I am the opposite of Nigella. However, I DO go ‘Gordon Ramsay crossed
with the Hulk’ mad if I don’t do things perfectly, but I think we can all agree
smashing shit is fun. Also cleaning up shattered glass is fun!!!!!
7.
I was
born & raised in Queensland. This
means that at State of Origin time, you will have at least one winner living in
your house (this point is for a very select group of people).
8.
I have
size 11 feet. So if you also have giant man feet, you can feel free to borrow
from my five pairs of shoes. I hope you like men’s shoes from Rivers or Target
thongs!!!!!!!!!
9.
I COME
WITH A PRE-MADE CAT. SHE IS ALSO THE BEST CAT IN THE WORLD.
10. I spend a lot of time hanging out with my cat,
so I won’t bother you and your stupid no-cat or inferior cat.
11. I won’t have a job, so this will give you the
opportunity to find me one and won’t that make you feel good about yourself?
12. Related to the above point, I won’t have any
money. But most self-made millionaires
come from having no money. Please see Jewel’s
‘A Night Without Armor: Poems’.
There is
really no limit to the amount of awesome things that I could list, but I think
twelve points is probably enough for you to make a decision. Make sure it’s the right one. By this I mean, pick me pick me pick me.
PLEASE. I can’t be held responsible for
my actions (it involves the foetal position and crying) if I have to live here
under the LNP. Also, I’ve started
writing one of these for international friends if Tony Abbott becomes Prime
Minister, and I’ll take you with me.
1 comment:
I have a friend who's wife hunting in Castlemaine. She's very lovely and likes cats. She also comes complete with a family. There are plenty of places to makes coffee in Castlemaine. It is a valued profession. You can also pack fruit and veg boxes, which is fun. There is a wide range of yoga classes for you to attend, if that's your thing. There is also a friendly, local #golddrunks
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