Hello Internet! My name is Rebecca and I have gathered you all here to get a secret off my chest. We all know that the Internet is a kind and forgiving place, free of judgement and petty arguments. So I feel quite safe in revealing things here. I’m thinking of this as an Embarrassing Bodies studio and you are all Dr Pixie. The secret protruding bowel out of my anus that I’ve lived with for too long is…I’ve never seen even one minute of a Star Wars movie. Please see that weird-jawed tanned blonde man doctor if you feel faint.
Before you ask, this Star Wars ignorance isn’t out of some rebellion to shun the popular, I think everyone knows about my love for Beyonce (Call me May-Bey). It isn’t for any kind of reason except that it has never appealed to me, and apparently has never been on during those times I’m just too lazy to change the channel (which is how I’ve seen The Net forty times). I also grew up with three brothers who would never watch ‘nerd shit’, and so it has come to the pass that I am 30 years old and haven’t seen it. Obviously this has no doubt resulted in me missing some jokes on shows like Community (shout-out Britta just because), but I think that my life has gone okay in any case. Now, obviously the sensible thing to do would be to watch the movies, but let it NEVER be said that I was sensible. Instead, I thought I would write the only general things I know about Star Wars that I have picked up second-hand over my long and illustrious life. Hopefully you will find my ignorance hilarious, as I find yours in all other areas!
Luke I am your father
This is when Darth Vader (unfortunately not Vada from My Girl) says ‘Luke come over to the dark side, I am your father and whatnot’ and then I’m not sure what happens but I have seen Maury Povich episodes like this, and usually they hug and cry. Oh, then the plastic-face guy and Luke fight with light sabers (which is also the best way to compliment a lady sabertooth tiger), and I don’t know who wins but I assume..I don’t care.
Jar Jar Binks
Jar Jar Binks is a thing that everyone hates? I think it’s a thing that talks, but is probably some sort of creature rather than a human because of its stupid name? Anyway ‘LL Cool J – Ladies Loath Cool Jar Jar’ is a thing I just thought of.
Princess Leia is the woman with the two-bun hair that Ross from Friends (the worst Friend) had a fantasy about. I kind of want to cover her hair buns in cinnamon and icing and then eat them, but that’s between my therapist and I. Anyway, the Princess (of the Star Wars kingdom?) and Luke had a super hot incest thing going. Princess Lay-Her, am I right? Um, Natalie Portman is beautiful and plays her daughter or mother or someone totally unrelated in the newer/older/whichever order movies (which, by the way, just seems deliberately confusing). Leia also wears a lot of white, just like they do at your local White Lady Funerals.
I was pretty confident that Harrison Ford played Luke up until very recently. Anyway, Han Solo is a guy that wears a vest and he shot first? I’m not sure who shot whom, or what for, but I think it happened in a cafeteria. I don’t know what his job is, but I do love Indiana Jones so if it’s anything like that or if someone’s heart gets ripped out through his or her chest I’m fine with it.
Mr R2D2 isn’t an abortion pill; he is what I imagine to be Ask Jeeves in gold robot form. I dunno what his deal is; I guess he’s a fancy slave or something.
This is like ‘Chew’ ‘Tobacca’? Why is he called this? I just know he’s a big hairy thing that has a funny Kermit voice and I’m pretty sure in between movies he filmed Harry and the Hendersons.
George Lucas made all the movies that everyone loved as kids, but then when they grew up he made some more and they were bad so we all hate him now. Something about one of the new ones is mostly about trade negotiations, and to be honest that’s probably the one that interests me the most.
So in summation, George Lucas has sold Star Wars to Disney for 1 Bazillion Dollars, and he’s donating it to sick puppies or children so I am all for Star Wars. Imagine if it was called ‘Star Paws’ and it was about puppies with stars on their little paws!! I would watch that. For now, please NEVER contact me with more information or details about Star Wars, but feel free to contact me with praise and cheques.