Hello Internet! My name is Rebecca
and I have gathered you all here to get a secret off my chest. We all know that
the Internet is a kind and forgiving place, free of judgement and petty
arguments. So I feel quite safe in revealing things here. I’m thinking of this
as an Embarrassing Bodies studio and you are all Dr Pixie. The secret protruding
bowel out of my anus that I’ve lived with for too long is…I’ve never seen even
one minute of a Star Wars movie. Please see that weird-jawed tanned blonde man
doctor if you feel faint.
Before you ask, this Star Wars
ignorance isn’t out of some rebellion to shun the popular, I think everyone
knows about my love for Beyonce (Call me May-Bey). It isn’t for any kind of
reason except that it has never appealed to me, and apparently has never been
on during those times I’m just too lazy to change the channel (which is how
I’ve seen The Net forty times). I also grew up with three brothers who would
never watch ‘nerd shit’, and so it has come to the pass that I am 30 years old
and haven’t seen it. Obviously this has no doubt resulted in me missing some
jokes on shows like Community (shout-out Britta just because), but I think that
my life has gone okay in any case. Now, obviously the sensible thing to do
would be to watch the movies, but let it NEVER be said that I was sensible.
Instead, I thought I would write the only general things I know about Star Wars
that I have picked up second-hand over my long and illustrious life. Hopefully you will find my ignorance
hilarious, as I find yours in all other areas!
Luke I am your father
This is when Darth Vader
(unfortunately not Vada from My Girl) says ‘Luke come over to the dark side, I
am your father and whatnot’ and then I’m not sure what happens but I have seen Maury
Povich episodes like this, and usually they hug and cry. Oh, then the
plastic-face guy and Luke fight with light sabers (which is also the best way
to compliment a lady sabertooth tiger), and I don’t know who wins but I assume..I
don’t care.
Jar Jar Binks
Jar Jar Binks is a thing that
everyone hates? I think it’s a thing
that talks, but is probably some sort of creature rather than a human because
of its stupid name? Anyway ‘LL Cool J – Ladies Loath Cool Jar Jar’ is a thing I
just thought of.
Princess Leia
Princess Leia is the woman with the
two-bun hair that Ross from Friends (the worst Friend) had a fantasy about. I
kind of want to cover her hair buns in cinnamon and icing and then eat them,
but that’s between my therapist and I.
Anyway, the Princess (of the Star Wars kingdom?) and Luke had a super
hot incest thing going. Princess
Lay-Her, am I right? Um, Natalie Portman is beautiful and plays her daughter or
mother or someone totally unrelated in the newer/older/whichever order movies
(which, by the way, just seems deliberately confusing). Leia also wears a lot of white, just like
they do at your local White Lady Funerals.
Han Solo
I was pretty confident that
Harrison Ford played Luke up until very recently. Anyway, Han Solo is a guy that wears a vest
and he shot first? I’m not sure who shot whom, or what for, but I think it
happened in a cafeteria. I don’t know what his job is, but I do love Indiana
Jones so if it’s anything like that or if someone’s heart gets ripped out
through his or her chest I’m fine with it.
R2D2
Mr R2D2 isn’t an abortion pill; he
is what I imagine to be Ask Jeeves in gold robot form. I dunno what his deal is;
I guess he’s a fancy slave or something.
Chewbacca
This is like ‘Chew’ ‘Tobacca’? Why
is he called this? I just know he’s a big hairy thing that has a funny Kermit
voice and I’m pretty sure in between movies he filmed Harry and the
Hendersons.
George Lucas
George Lucas made all the movies
that everyone loved as kids, but then when they grew up he made some more and
they were bad so we all hate him now.
Something about one of the new ones is mostly about trade negotiations,
and to be honest that’s probably the one that interests me the most.
So in summation, George Lucas has
sold Star Wars to Disney for 1 Bazillion Dollars, and he’s donating it to sick
puppies or children so I am all for Star Wars.
Imagine if it was called ‘Star Paws’ and it was about puppies with stars
on their little paws!! I would watch that.
For now, please NEVER contact me with more information or details about
Star Wars, but feel free to contact me with praise and cheques.
1 comment:
I'm pretty sure Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was his greatest work. Definitely sure.
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