Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Doctor Who/When/Where/How/WHY/I Don’t Know

Hello Internet! You may remember I wrote a post about the small amount of knowledge I have about the beloved movie series Star Wars. This was a VERY successful post in that a lot of people got annoyed and I probably lost some twitter followers and perhaps someone is planning my untimely death right now. But I had fun doing it, and to be honest that is all that really matters to me. Because it was so fun, I’ve decided to do a similar thing with another beloved series. This time I am taking on the juggernaut that is Doctor Who. I tweeted that I was planning on doing this, and instantly had people tweet back “NEVER call it Dr Who it is always DOCTOR” and etc so I automatically knew that Doctor Who fans are very relaxed and open to a bit of fun and jokes around their favourite television show. I understand that this is the epitome of a cult television show, but have you seen that new Kevin Bacon show ‘The Following’ now THAT is a cult show if I’ve ever seen one (it’s about a cult).

As a very young child I do have vague recollections of my older brothers watching Doctor Who. Unfortunately all television memories were wiped out and replaced with the one of my macho tough-as-nails older brother sobbing when Todd Landers died on Neighbours in 1992. Nothing exists before that, and nothing that amazing has ever happened since. I cannot wait for his daughters to be old enough to understand so I can tell them about this moment in history and also make them laugh at him and perhaps point at his shame. Anyway, back to Doctor Who. I am going to list all of the things I think I know about it. If I am wrong, please don’t assassinate me. I also have zero idea what parts of my knowledge come from the old series or the new series, so gird your loins.

Doctor Who

He’s the man! I have no idea what kind of Doctor he is, I don’t think he has a medical degree or anything and in fact I suspect he just calls himself doctor.  Does he bulk bill? As far as I know there was a long line of different Doctors from basically when the dinosaurs roamed the earth and they keep changing because they die off or have a short life span or I don’t know? Oh maybe they are all the same person, but they just get a new body when that one gets tired and old. Just like I’ll do with my wife, amirite fellas??  This is actually a really clever way to keep the show going forever, good job nerds. But why hasn’t there been a lady doctor? Why can’t he regenerate into a woman’s body? (Sexy sentence alert!). Also there should be a female James Bond, just while I’m on this particular soapbox of demanding things of television and movies I’ve never watched. Anyway, I don’t know where Doctor Who comes from or what he’s doing but he seems nice.


I don’t feel comfortable saying this word out loud, even if it is an acronym. I have no idea what it stands for but maybe something like Talking And Running Dude In Space? Anyway, I think it’s the time/space/masturbation time machine Mr Doctor uses to get about. If I remember correctly it looks like a blue phone box, and by that I mean I don’t remember what phone boxes look like because I’m so young. I think the Doctor just always wears the same outfit as Sherlock Holmes, so I don’t think he gets changed in there like Superman. Oh wait, was Bill and Ted’s phone booth a tribute to this thing? Cool, I got that reference twenty years later.


The Companions are ladies and or gentlemen (mostly ladies?) who are DW’s BFF at any given time, I think. I only really know because one has been Billie Piper and Honey to the Bee, that’s you for me. Buzz me up to heaven baby. Those are lyrics from a classic 1997 Billie Piper song, and now she’s gallivanting around space and time with Doctor Who. Probably BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO! (Another classic Billie Piper song reference for those people that were cool in the nineties). Anyway the word ‘companion’ makes me think of two old men who have been together forever but who don’t want to admit they are gay lovers, so I like to imagine there’s been a bit of that going on over the years. I don’t know where these people come from, but I suspect it’s a good way to get a hot token female in there somewhere. P.S if any rich weirdo would like to hire me to be their travelling companion, I am available for European vacations.


Daleks sounds like a the name a bogan would give their son who has the longest rats tail you’ve ever seen on a four year old. I think they are little squat robot things? In any case they look like a bumpy sex toy crossed with salt and pepper shakers. At some point someone has said ‘exterminate exterminate’ and I think it’s these guys or the Lost in Space guys. Are they trying to exterminate Doctor Who? If so, they are TERRIBLE at their job.  Get it together, Daleks. Also ‘Daleks Baldwin’ would be a fun sketch if I’m pronouncing this word right in my head.

In summary, people love this show and I am happy for them. I just hope the scornful and rigid attitude from a lot of the fans doesn’t stop young people from becoming new fans, HINT. Anyway, if you now want to talk to me about a REALLY great show where a man jumps around in time, please tweet me about Quantum Leap and mega-babe Scott Bakula. Please do not contact me and tell me I need to watch Doctor Who(m) because I don’t want to. Please DO tell contact me to tell me how great I am or if you wish to discuss Quantum Leap or Party of Five or Felicity or most other nineties shows I am always available.

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