Hello Internet! You may remember I
wrote a post about the small amount of knowledge I have about the beloved movie
series Star Wars. This was a VERY successful post in that a lot of people got
annoyed and I probably lost some twitter followers and perhaps someone is
planning my untimely death right now. But I had fun doing it, and to be honest
that is all that really matters to me. Because it was so fun, I’ve decided to
do a similar thing with another beloved series. This time I am taking on the
juggernaut that is Doctor Who. I tweeted that I was planning on doing this, and
instantly had people tweet back “NEVER call it Dr Who it is always DOCTOR” and etc
so I automatically knew that Doctor Who fans are very relaxed and open to a bit
of fun and jokes around their favourite television show. I understand that this
is the epitome of a cult television show, but have you seen that new Kevin
Bacon show ‘The Following’ now THAT is a cult show if I’ve ever seen one (it’s
about a cult).
As a very young child I do have
vague recollections of my older brothers watching Doctor Who. Unfortunately all
television memories were wiped out and replaced with the one of my macho
tough-as-nails older brother sobbing when Todd Landers died on Neighbours in
1992. Nothing exists before that, and nothing that amazing has ever happened
since. I cannot wait for his daughters to be old enough to understand so I can
tell them about this moment in history and also make them laugh at him and
perhaps point at his shame. Anyway, back to Doctor Who. I am going to list all
of the things I think I know about it. If I am wrong, please don’t assassinate
me. I also have zero idea what parts of my knowledge come from the old series
or the new series, so gird your loins.
Doctor Who
He’s the man! I have no idea what
kind of Doctor he is, I don’t think he has a medical degree or anything and in
fact I suspect he just calls himself doctor.
Does he bulk bill? As far as I know there was a long line of different
Doctors from basically when the dinosaurs roamed the earth and they keep
changing because they die off or have a short life span or I don’t know? Oh
maybe they are all the same person, but they just get a new body when that one
gets tired and old. Just like I’ll do with my wife, amirite fellas?? This is actually a really clever way to keep
the show going forever, good job nerds. But why hasn’t there been a lady
doctor? Why can’t he regenerate into a woman’s body? (Sexy sentence alert!).
Also there should be a female James Bond, just while I’m on this particular
soapbox of demanding things of television and movies I’ve never watched.
Anyway, I don’t know where Doctor Who comes from or what he’s doing but he
seems nice.
TARDIS
I don’t feel comfortable saying
this word out loud, even if it is an acronym. I have no idea what it stands for
but maybe something like Talking And Running Dude In Space? Anyway, I think
it’s the time/space/masturbation time machine Mr Doctor uses to get about. If I
remember correctly it looks like a blue phone box, and by that I mean I don’t
remember what phone boxes look like because I’m so young. I think the Doctor
just always wears the same outfit as Sherlock Holmes, so I don’t think he gets
changed in there like Superman. Oh wait, was Bill and Ted’s phone booth a
tribute to this thing? Cool, I got that reference twenty years later.
Companions
The Companions are ladies and or
gentlemen (mostly ladies?) who are DW’s BFF at any given time, I think. I only
really know because one has been Billie Piper and Honey to the Bee, that’s you
for me. Buzz me up to heaven baby. Those are lyrics from a classic 1997 Billie
Piper song, and now she’s gallivanting around space and time with Doctor Who.
Probably BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO! (Another classic Billie
Piper song reference for those people that were cool in the nineties). Anyway
the word ‘companion’ makes me think of two old men who have been together
forever but who don’t want to admit they are gay lovers, so I like to imagine
there’s been a bit of that going on over the years. I don’t know where these
people come from, but I suspect it’s a good way to get a hot token female in
there somewhere. P.S if any rich weirdo would like to hire me to be their
travelling companion, I am available for European vacations.
Daleks
Daleks sounds like a the name a bogan
would give their son who has the longest rats tail you’ve ever seen on a four
year old. I think they are little squat robot things? In any case they look
like a bumpy sex toy crossed with salt and pepper shakers. At some point
someone has said ‘exterminate exterminate’ and I think it’s these guys or the
Lost in Space guys. Are they trying to exterminate Doctor Who? If so, they are
TERRIBLE at their job. Get it together,
Daleks. Also ‘Daleks Baldwin’ would be a fun sketch if I’m pronouncing this
word right in my head.
In summary, people love this show
and I am happy for them. I just hope the scornful and rigid attitude from a lot
of the fans doesn’t stop young people from becoming new fans, HINT. Anyway, if
you now want to talk to me about a REALLY great show where a man jumps around
in time, please tweet me about Quantum Leap and mega-babe Scott Bakula. Please
do not contact me and tell me I need to watch Doctor Who(m) because I don’t
want to. Please DO tell contact me to tell me how great I am or if you wish to
discuss Quantum Leap or Party of Five or Felicity or most other nineties shows
I am always available.
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