Star Bec

Hi there everyone! This is the third in my ‘information series of popular things I have never seen nor have any interest in much to the chagrin of a lot of people on the internet’. I’m sure I could come up with a catchier name later, but I almost definitely won’t. Anyway, I thought it was about time I write about Star Trek partly because of the excitement of the new movie, and so everyone could have a little refresher about the series. Of course I have never seen an episode of the show or any of the movies, but I have watched a lot of The Simpsons. I also watched the classic terrible movie American Psycho 2, and William Shatner is in that and pushed out of a window, so I feel confident in my knowledge about the Stars Treks. Speaking of star things, Star Trek and Star Wars seem pretty similar. I mean, they both feature stars but I guess some people trek through the stars peacefully and some have wars in and around the stars, and so I’m on the peaceful guys team I guess? Anyway, I have some episodes of Storage Wars aka the best wars to watch, so let me get into it.

Star Trek

As I started writing this, I realised I really have no idea what this show is about. It was on in the 60s, and I know it’s some people in spacecraft doing stuff in space. Why are there? Are they looking to find planets and such? Does Earth exist in this and also women? Are they looking for Uranus hahaha? Why were people watching this when they could be having free love? There have been several television shows and lots of movies based on it. And then the new ones happened and JJ Abrams did those maybe. Now he’s doing Star Wars? Or Joss Whedon. I don’t know, none of these things are Buffy so I don’t care.

Leonard Nimoy

Leonard plays Doctor or Mr Spock? He is dressed either in blue or yellow, and has deformed ears and amazing eyebrows. He looks kind of like a drag queen before they put on the rest of their outfit. I wish he wore a smock so he could be Mr Spock in a smock, but that probably never happened. I don’t know what he does, something where he’s a no-fun serious guy who never smiles. Lighten up Leonard, jesus! APPRECIATE THE MIRACLE OF WHERE YOU ARE YOU ARE! YOU ARE IN SPACE.

Billy Shats

William Shatner plays Captain Kirk, so I suppose he runs the ship thing. He was handsome I guess? Captain Kirk is dressed like the Yellow Wiggle and I have no idea what his personality or character is like, but I do know his legacy was Shatnered on at the Oscars this year. A more fun show would be if current day William Shatner owned a bar in space and it was called ‘Space Bar’ and he was all grumpy or something hilarious like that.

George Takei

I have no idea who or what George Takei played, but he’s a really great awesome guy in real life so I had to include him.  I’m sure he was great at the trekking.

Live Long and Prosper

This is the thing the space guys say while they do a gang sign at you. I think Nimoy does it a lot. If they had Instagram it would just be photo after photo of people on the ship popping gang signs and taking selfies.

Beam Me Up Scotty

I’ve heard this a lot, at parties in QLD guys will say ‘Beam me up Scotty’ and they mean ‘Give me a can of your finest Jim Beam premix Scott’ – this isn’t a true story but god I wish it were. In any case, I think Kirk says this and Scotty (don’t know who he is, maybe the I.T guy), does…beam him up. From somewhere to somewhere else. Aren’t they already in SPACE, where can you go that is UP from space? Anyway, sounds fun.

The Next Generation

Unfortunately this isn’t about Degrassi (miss you Spike), I guess it was a reboot in the…90s? Patrick Stewart looks dashing in his baldness and snazzy red and black uniform, and that’s pretty much the extent of my knowledge about that.

As you can see, I am an expert in all things Star Trek and next year I will be appearing on Australia’s version of The Big Bang Theory. Please do not tell me things about Star Trek, but do tell me how amazing I am. Live long and prosper, for reals.