Hi again internet! I recently moved my series of ‘expert descriptions of things I’ve never seen a minute of’ to my blog, and it inspired me to write about a television show I’ve been hearing a LOT about recently. That’s right, Hanging With Mr Cooper. Oh no sorry, that’s for my other blog about 90s sitcoms nobody else watched. No, this one is about a bunch of families who fight and kill and maim and fuck and ride dragons and stuff. That’s right, Real Housewives of New Jersey. FUN JOKES. Of course I am actually talking about Game of Thrones, occasionally called Games of Thrones by me and probably your Nanna. Now, unless you are literally dead, you’ve heard of this show. If you are literally dead, please stop reading and go visit The Ghost Whisperer (tell Jennifer Love Hewitt I love her). I am now going to list all the things I think I know about GoT from seeing tweets and the occasional meme and if I’m wrong please don’t…dragon me? Whatever they do on that show.
I have no idea. There are a bunch of families and Kings and Queens and watching the show is basically a memory exercise to see if you can remember who is who. They kill each other a lot and the ‘Game of Thrones’ is basically musical chairs played with the throne of power? It sounds pretty fun. People have tried to convince me to watch by telling me there are a lot of naked breasts, and I have to remind them that I am not a pervert but also the internet has a lot of those and I can look at them without also having to see a hairy man having sex with his sister.
Joffrey has a dumb name. Also he is like the Slytherin of the group, he is all weird and pasty and evil? He does some really bad shit I don’t know, but apparently people on the street in real life accost him angrily because people are idiots. I don’t know if he’s still alive, but I guess everyone wants him to be dead. What a life for poor Joffrey.
I think her name is…C…something? Lena Headey is wonderful, and has long hair and is beautiful in this. I think she might play Joffrey’s mother or sister? I think she’s probably a bad person, but who fucking knows. I just wanted to include this to tell you to watch Imagine Me and You, an English movie where she falls in love with Piper Perabo and makes me very happy aka pushing my lesbian agenda.
Khaleesi has really long white-blonde hair and looks kind of like a human unicorn, but GoT doesn’t have unicorns (I don’t think). She seems to be really awesome and is a Dragon Whisperer or some shit. She’s either good with dragons, or is actually a dragon or something. Definitely dragons are involved. She seems like the most relevant to my interest character.
LILY ALLEN’S BROTHER
Lily Allen has a song called Alfie about her brother and I know her brother is in this, so I assume Alfie Allen is in this. Oh, something Greyjoy is his name? I think he’s a good guy, and he also might have been killed already. He looks like a young Michael Shannon. Is he Joffrey’s brother? Oh who knows, there are too many people in this.
Wait, Mordor might be Lord of the Rings. But Sean Bean is in both? STOP DOING SO MANY MEMES I AM CONFUSED.
Okay, he plays someone called Tyron? Tyrion? Try-on? He is VERY HANDSOME and I think he’s a great actor, so one day I might just watch his scenes. I don’t really know what Tyrion gets up to around the place. I think he is a good guy who fights again Joffrey. However I do know that he can get it.
He knows nothing! He is like me! What he knows nothing about, I’m not sure. I have seen a picture of him, he is bearded and in…snow, so that’s a bit too literal for my tastes. I have an image of him basically wearing a bear fur and performing oral sex on a naked woman with snow in his beard, so that could have happened or just be something I thought of earlier. But it seems unlikely that my imagination would put a bearded dude in there and not Khaleesi, so I don’t know. Also I’m pretty sure the snow in the beard trick is something he read in Cosmo.
WINTER IS COMING
This is a popular catchphrase used in memes. I guess some guy says it and it is probable literal in that winter is coming and that can cause problems like their horses would ice over in the morning, and also it’s probably a figurative way to say that some bad stuff is going to happen. All I know is that my “Wintour is coming – Anna Wintour having sex” tweet did pretty well, so thanks Guy of Thrones.
Okay, this caused so so so so many tweets by people. I think I saw the same jokes ten thousand times, it really made me want to go all Joffrey on everyone am I right? Because that would be bad? In any case, I’m pretty sure this was like Four Weddings: Game of Thrones and someone hated the people getting married and were like ‘I object! By killing you and your family and children and puppies’ and it was a trap and a bunch of people got dead. Sad. I bet they didn’t get the deposit back on the hall or tuxedos.
I believe that sums up everything I know about Game of Thrones. I understand there are approximately one billion more characters and most of them are dudes, and so i’m not sure I’ll ever get around to watching it. But I am glad it brings you so much joy, please don’t contact me to correct my mistakes, only contact me to give me cash or compliments or cakes.