Hi again internet! I recently moved
my series of ‘expert descriptions of things I’ve never seen a minute of’ to my blog, and
it inspired me to write about a television show I’ve been hearing a LOT about
recently. That’s right, Hanging With Mr Cooper. Oh no sorry, that’s for my
other blog about 90s sitcoms nobody else watched. No, this one is about a bunch
of families who fight and kill and maim and fuck and ride dragons and stuff.
That’s right, Real Housewives of New Jersey. FUN JOKES. Of course I am actually
talking about Game of Thrones, occasionally called Games of Thrones by me and
probably your Nanna. Now, unless you are literally dead, you’ve heard of this
show. If you are literally dead, please stop reading and go visit The Ghost
Whisperer (tell Jennifer Love Hewitt I love her). I am now going to list all
the things I think I know about GoT from seeing tweets and the occasional meme
and if I’m wrong please don’t…dragon me? Whatever they do on that show.
BASIC PLOT
I have no idea. There are a bunch of families
and Kings and Queens and watching the show is basically a memory exercise to
see if you can remember who is who. They kill each other a lot and the ‘Game of
Thrones’ is basically musical chairs played with the throne of power? It sounds pretty fun. People have tried to
convince me to watch by telling me there are a lot of naked breasts, and I have
to remind them that I am not a pervert but also the internet has a lot of those
and I can look at them without also having to see a hairy man having sex with
his sister.
JOFFREY
Joffrey has a dumb name. Also he is
like the Slytherin of the group, he is all weird and pasty and evil? He does
some really bad shit I don’t know, but apparently people on the street in real
life accost him angrily because people are idiots. I don’t know if he’s still
alive, but I guess everyone wants him to be dead. What a life for poor Joffrey.
LENA HEADEY
I think her name is…C…something? Lena
Headey is wonderful, and has long hair and is beautiful in this. I think she
might play Joffrey’s mother or sister? I think she’s probably a bad person, but
who fucking knows. I just wanted to include this to tell you to watch Imagine
Me and You, an English movie where she falls in love with Piper Perabo and
makes me very happy aka pushing my lesbian agenda.
KHALEESI
Khaleesi has really long white-blonde
hair and looks kind of like a human unicorn, but GoT doesn’t have unicorns (I
don’t think). She seems to be really awesome and is a Dragon Whisperer or some
shit. She’s either good with dragons, or is actually a dragon or something.
Definitely dragons are involved. She seems like the most relevant to my interest
character.
LILY ALLEN’S BROTHER
Lily Allen has a song called Alfie
about her brother and I know her brother is in this, so I assume Alfie Allen is
in this. Oh, something Greyjoy is his name? I think he’s a good guy, and he
also might have been killed already. He looks like a young Michael Shannon. Is
he Joffrey’s brother? Oh who knows, there are too many people in this.
MORDOR
Wait, Mordor might be Lord of the
Rings. But Sean Bean is in both? STOP DOING SO MANY MEMES I AM CONFUSED.
PETER DINKLAGE
Okay, he plays someone called Tyron?
Tyrion? Try-on? He is VERY HANDSOME and I think he’s a great actor, so one day
I might just watch his scenes. I don’t really know what Tyrion gets up to
around the place. I think he is a good guy who fights again Joffrey. However I do know that he can get it.
JON SNOW
He knows nothing! He is like me! What
he knows nothing about, I’m not sure. I have seen a picture of him, he is
bearded and in…snow, so that’s a bit too literal for my tastes. I have an image
of him basically wearing a bear fur and performing oral sex on a naked woman
with snow in his beard, so that could have happened or just be something I
thought of earlier. But it seems unlikely that my imagination would put a
bearded dude in there and not Khaleesi, so I don’t know. Also I’m pretty sure
the snow in the beard trick is something he read in Cosmo.
WINTER IS COMING
This is a popular catchphrase used in
memes. I guess some guy says it and it is probable literal in that winter is
coming and that can cause problems like their horses would ice over in the
morning, and also it’s probably a figurative way to say that some bad stuff is
going to happen. All I know is that my “Wintour is coming – Anna Wintour having
sex” tweet did pretty well, so thanks Guy of Thrones.
RED WEDDING
Okay, this caused so so so so many
tweets by people. I think I saw the same jokes ten thousand times, it really
made me want to go all Joffrey on everyone am I right? Because that would be
bad? In any case, I’m pretty sure this was like Four Weddings: Game of Thrones
and someone hated the people getting married and were like ‘I object! By
killing you and your family and children and puppies’ and it was a trap and a
bunch of people got dead. Sad. I bet they didn’t get the deposit back on the
hall or tuxedos.
I believe that sums up everything I
know about Game of Thrones. I understand there are approximately one billion
more characters and most of them are dudes, and so i’m not sure I’ll ever get
around to watching it. But I am glad it brings you so much joy, please don’t
contact me to correct my mistakes, only contact me to give me cash or compliments
or cakes.
7 comments:
I have actually watched the first seasons and liked it, but i have, like, really short attention span from all the series i watch plus the internets, and have not yet come around watching the last season and OMG shocker red wedding! (have not seen it..but yeah people died.) and i could totally relate to this ;D
Do you also not watch Mad Men? i would love to read what you picked up from that.
Laughs :) Love your take on the show.
I'm one of those smug people who has read the books and simply watches the show so I can say "I knew that was going to happen."
I really love the way you discuss this kind of topic.
I really love the way you discuss this kind of topic.
Thanks for all your efforts that you have put in this. very interesting information. I’ve wanted to write something like this text on my blog and this gave me excellent idea. Cheers!
I'm halfway through season 1 and this is pretty much the extent of my understanding of the show. It's too hard, too many characters and too many manly men.
Thank you so much for this. I can't tell you how much guilt it alleviates.
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